


A Walk In The Park

by Peter164



Series: Alternate Universe [6]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Fingering, Artist Steve Rogers, Crossdressing, Daddy Kink, Depression, Friends to Lovers, Hipster Steve Rogers, I have no idea, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, It just happened, Lots of AHS References, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Punk Bucky Barnes, Self Confidence Issues, Sexual Content, Too many AHS references, Why so many?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-08
Updated: 2016-08-26
Packaged: 2018-05-18 08:20:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 35,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5912815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peter164/pseuds/Peter164
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky needs some air, so he goes for a walk. He never knew that he would meet the sexiest man alive. Especially because he got ambushed by his Golden Retriever.</p><p>(Some smut, but all of those chapters will be clearly marked if you don't want to read it.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Crossroads

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title taken from the I Prevail song.  
> https://youtu.be/pi8ttSZbkyc

Bucky was pissed. He wasn't quite sure why though. Maybe it was Pierce. He'd never liked his adoptive dad. Maybe it was his Uncle Zola. Maybe it was the crumbling stress of adulthood. Whatever it was, he needed to clear his head. He'd left his shoebox of a house and walked to the park. Even emo trash like himself needs some sunshine and fresh air on occasion. 

He, however, did not prepare himself for the attack. A flash of gold fur knocked him over backwards. He pushed the mass of dog off him enough to sit up. He scratched behind her ears while he looked for some tags. 

_Sarah._ No sooner had he dropped the nametag, had her owner showed up. Thick, black framed glasses, red beanie, blue hoodie with rolled up sleeves and skinny jeans ran up to them. 

"Sarah, down." He commanded her. His blue eyes shone out of his plastic lenses. He held his hand out to help Bucky up, "Sorry about her. She really likes people and I think the shiny piercings make her excited."

"Not a problem." He pulled himself up and brushed the hair off of his legs. He wore a fucking American flag scarf. Who wouldn't giggle a little, "I see you're feeling patriotic today."

"I didn't pay attention to what I wore today." He shrugged, "It just sort of happened. I'm Steve by the way. "

"Bucky." Then, Bucky saw something that made him want to praise the heavens. A silver chain, almost like a medical bracelet, but instead of health info etched on the metal plate, 6 rectangles. Each was a different color, but all together it made a rainbow. 

"You gay?" He mentally pleaded the answer was yes. He didn't know what it was about the All-American-Beauty that made him want to lick a stripe up his thick throat. 

"Do you always ask that when people run into you with their dogs?" Steve chuckled a little. 

"Well, you know." He gestured to his wrist. 

"Oh yeah." He looked at his wrist, "God I'm a mess today."

"Maybe a hot mess depending on how things go." Bucky shrugged. It was simply part of his nature to be snarky and sarcastic. Steve laughed and the pearly gated opened. 

"You're a bit of an asshole." He grinned and held his dog's collar. 

"I try."

"To answer your question, no. I am bi though, and I actually mean that. I promise I'm not attention seeking." He nodded, "What about you?" 

"Hella gay." He smirked, "Yesterday I literally had my undercut dyed as the pride flag. Last night I dyed it all blue."

"Shame I missed it." He said. Somehow they started walking with each other. They got a couple of odd looks from people, which kind of made Bucky squirm in his skin. Despite his ever-changing hair color, ripped up jeans, leather, tattoos, and piercings, he really didn't like attention. 

"Do you mind if we sit down and talk?" He asked. He always seemed to get noticed a little less that way. 

"Sure." Steve shrugged and started searching for a park bench. Before they found one, Bucky felt a small tug on his jacket. A little girl stood in a flowery pink dress. He knelt down in front of her. 

"What's up?" He asked with a smile. 

"I really like your hair, it's pretty." She said, rocking back and forth on her feet. 

"Thank you." He said, "Your parents here?" 

"Yeah. But I lost them." She told him. He chewed on his bottom lip, he wanted to make sure that she got back okay. 

"Want help looking?" He asked, she nodded, "IS it okay if I bring my friend, Steve?" 

She nodded and Bucky stood back up. He waved Steve over. He explained the situation and they helped her look around the park. It didn't take long to find her parents, but the guessed she'd been missing for a while, as her mother ran up and hugged her tightly. He big round belly gave away her pregnancy. 

"Thank you guys, we've been looking everywhere." She said, picking her daughter up. She examined Bucky in great detail. She glanced, uneasy, at his face full of metal. 

"You're very welcome. We should head out though." He told her. He turned to face the little girl, "Be nice to your mom. You're lucky to have someone who loves you so much."

She grinned and nodded. He held out his hand for a fist bump, which was happily given. 

"She's a cute kid." He said to her mom. He quickly turned around and jogged back to Steve who had to go catch the dog again. They found a bench to sit on and talk about nothing. Steve could finally have the dog under control by tying him to the bench. 

"So, what about getting coffee with me?" Bucky asked. Maybe this hipster would agree to some Starbucks, or maybe that was too mainstream. 

"I'd love to, honestly, but I already have a girlfriend." He said, "Sorry if I led you on. I'm not good at dating kind of stuff."

"No, it's cool." His heart broke a little, "We should still get coffee though."

"But what about Sarah?" Steve asked, scratching behind her ears. 

"If you don't mind, my house isn't that far away, she can hang out in the backyard or something. As long as she doesn't touch Gregory." He shrugged. 

"Who's Gregory?"

"My only real friend. He's a goldfish. He sits on the coffee table most of the and watches movies with me." He explained, "I tried getting a cat, but it ran away. Then I got a hamster, and it died." 

"She won't touch Gregory." Steve laughed, "When do you want to leave?" 

"How's now sound?" He asked. 

"Awesome." He nodded. His phone buzzed in his pocket, "Sorry. Peggy's texting me."

"Your girlfriend?" 

"Yeah. She wants me to pick up eggs for her." He yawned. 

"Okay?"

"Yeah. I just didn't get a whole lot of sleep." He shrugged, "I had to work on my project." 

"What kind of project?"

"It's a painting for my roommate Nat." He pulled his phone out and handed it to Bucky. On the screen was probably the most colorful thing he'd ever seen in his life. Pinks and greens and yellows melted and swirled together to make the image of a white-faced girl with flaming red hair. Somehow the colors didn't overpower it, it gave a air of creepiness. It was almost disturbing to look at. 

"Holy shit." He exclaimed. 

"You like it? I don't think I did all that great on it." He admitted. 

"Are you kidding? This is badass." He couldn't stop staring, despite the unease creeping up his spine. 

"I'm trying to so something for all my friends." He scrolled through his photos and showed them to Bucky while they walked. Another painting of a man with a red and gold metal mask blended into his skin. A concept piece of another man surrounded by Creatures. The most prominent being the huge, green thing towering over him. A drawing of a blond man that emanated electricity. A third painting of an archer with a bullseye surrounding his physical eye. 

"Oh my God." He gasped at each one. Steve explained everything as he went. Bruce seemed the most interesting of them all. His DID making him turn into different people altogether, including a 17 year old girl named Jennifer.

They ended up at his front door. Bucky dug through his jean pockets for his keys, swearing when he came empty-handed. He checked the pockets of his jacket and finally found them tucked away in his breast pocket. 

"Thank God, I thought I locked myself out again." He unlocked the door and let the dog run inside before him, "Want to let her out back or just let her run around?" 

"I'll take her outside." He took her out the back door before returning to Bucky's side, "You've got a pretty house."

"Thanks, it's messy right now. Not that it's been clean since I moved in, but whatever. Actually, I cleaned once when Pierce came to visit. But he'd get angry if I didn't." He said. They started walking to the little coffee shop nearby Bucky's house. 

"Who's Pierce?" Steve asked, his hands in his pockets. 

"He adopted me when I was 13. He's kind of an asshole." He explained, "He's got a big name and he wanted to show the world what a kind and generous man he was by adopting the 'trouble child' and claiming to turn him straight. All he cared about was the result, it didn't matter how he got there."

"Sounds awful." Steve gained a pitiful expression. They opened the door, Steve fit right it. The hole in the wall, locally owned, coffee shop was perfect for Steve. Bucky, not so much. He wasn't the only one with tattoos, and a couple others had piercings. That's when the similarity ended. He got strange glances that borderlined glares. His half-shaved hair and eyeliner stood out by themselves, throw in his leather that made every vegan in the room look at him like they wanted to murder him and his ripped up jeans, and he was a recipe for disaster. 

Bucky ordered straight up black coffee, but he was almost dizzy by the time Steve finished his rambling. They sat at a little table together and drank coffee in pleasant conversation. 

"Favorite Star Wars movie?" He asked. 

"Return of the Jedi." Steve replied. 

"Thank God. We can continue this friendship." He let out a sigh of relief, "Once I went out with a guy who said it was Phantom Menace. Needless to say, there was no second date."

Steve laughed. Bucky's stomach filled with butterflies. His whole body moved with him. He was perfect. 

"Okay, would you rather go to Hawaii or Alaska?" Steve bit his lip. Bucky swore the gates of heaven opened.

"Alaska, easy. I used to live in Russia, best year of my life. Pierce was gone, I could do whatever I wanted. Once you have Russian caramel, there's no going back. Trust me. And Alaska and Russia are a stone throw away, so you know." He leaned back in his chair, legs spread apart, "You?" 

"Hawaii." He had a small smile on his face, "It's warm and bright and sunny. There's so many colors and things to look at. I could draw so many flowers and birds and people."

"My turn." Bucky leaned forward again, "If you were to go on a road trip with anyone in the world, dead or alive, who would it be and why?" 

"I think Adele." He answered, "Not only would she be a great person to sing in the car with, but she's hilarious too. What about you?" 

"Jessica Lange because she's a boss ass bitch." He answered. Steve tilted his head, "You don't watch American Horror Story?" 

"No."

"How is that possible?" Bucky's jaw dropped. He pulled a Sharpie out of his pocket, "Give me your arm."

He scribbled his phone number down on Steve's forearm. 

"Call me when you're ready to watch the greatest television show in existence. Even a hipster like you would find it awesome." He chewed on his lip ring. 

"Cool." He smiled. They finished their coffee and hurried back to get Sarah from Bucky's house. Steve promised to call soon. Then he left, leaving Bucky feeling giddy and breathless, and he couldn't even date the asshole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nat painting partially based on this 
> 
> https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/2e/47/b3/2e47b38244ead14e91522b0b9797f9c7.jpg


	2. Here Comes The Sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title taken from the Beatles song  
> https://youtu.be/bgiQD56eWDk  
> This was the best version I could find.

Steve apparently kept his promises. He called the next day. 

"Hey." Bucky said when he answered. He couldn't help biting his lip and grinning like an idiot. Gregory swam around in his bowl. 

"Hi." Steve sounded different over the phone, "What're you up to?" 

"Sitting on the couch." He answered, "You?" 

"Taking a break from painting." He said, "Clint brought his girlfriend over. It amazes me that someone so normal could date him."

"Which one's Clint?" He asked. 

"The archer who worked for the circus for a while." Steve answered. 

"Oh. That one." Bucky nodded. He remembered Steve talking about him. 

"This might sound weird, but do you think I could come over? I know we just met yesterday, but I need a break and Tony's still not talking to me." Steve explained. 

"Yeah, sure. There isn't a whole lot to do, but you're welcome to come over. Do you remember the address?" Bucky looked around his shoebox of a house. It was a disaster. 

"Yeah I do. I'll see you soon?" He partially asked. 

"Of course." Bucky blushed. Steve wanted to see him again. And he was in a sweatshirt and yesterday's makeup. His hair was a mess and he needed to clean. He was screwed. He started with his house. He blared Green Day and the Offspring as loud as he could while he threw things wherever it made sense to put them.

He only really managed to get to the living room, kitchen, and bathroom. He hadn't even touched the bedroom before he heard someone knocking. It wasn't important anyway, unless he was getting lucky, which he probably wasn't. He hurried to answer the door, tripping and falling on his face in the process. He swore pretty loudly. But he still managed to get to the door. 

"Hi." Bucky smiled. 

"Hello. You okay?" Steve asked. 

"I'm fine. I just tripped." He shrugged, "Come on."

He stepped aside and let Steve in. They ended up sitting on the tiny couch together bucky curled up on one end with Steve sitting on the other. He sighed and slouched down. 

"What's eating you?" Bucky asked. He was obviously upset about something. Bucky just needed to figure out what it was. Steve glanced over, "Trust me when I say I've been through hell and back. You can talk to me about pretty much anything you want."

"I'm just stressed out." He said. This little ass is lying.

"What else? Don't give me that look. I know there's more to it than that." Bucky smiled at him, "Talk to me."

"I have anxiety problems. I thought I had it under control, but I guess I was wrong." He looked at the ground. 

"What happened?" Bucky questioned. 

"Anxiety attack." Steve said.

"Well that's pretty shit, I have to admit." Bucky nodded, "But I think I can one up it. I used to have panic attacks all the time. It was because of other problems that I ended up sorting through, more or less. But along with that, I was also depressed and clinically diagnosed with suicidal behaviors. It should also be noted that all that happened when I was 14."

"Damn. That's awful." Steve turned to face him, "You're okay now though, right?"

"It comes and goes. But, I have not had an anxiety attack since I was 19." He shrugged. 

"What about the suicidal thing?" Steve asked anxiously. 

"That's harder to get rid of." Bucky stopped smiling, "I'm sorry. I made the mood depressing. Let's watch a movie."

"Okay." Steve wasn't dropping this issue entirely. Not yet. Bucky knew that. 

"What do you like watching?" Bucky smiled again. They debated for a while about what kind of movie to watch. They eventually settled on Imitation Game. Steve hadn't watched it yet, and it was one of Bucky's favorites.

The movie reached its close and Steve sat, mouth agape at the depressing ending. 

"What did you think?" Bucky asked. 

"That was amazing." He told him, "But it wasn't what I was expecting from you."

"You thought I was gonna show you some kind of horror movie with a serial killer who skins people. Right?" Bucky asked. Steve shrugged in a way that said _kinda_. 

"It seems more your style." Steve suggested, "I know that's stereotyping, but I really couldn't help it."

"No, it's cool." Bucky laughed, "You know how I was talking about American Horror Story?" 

"Yeah."

"Season 2, it's called Asylum, is about a serial killer who skins people. He has a lamp made of skin. And a candy bowl made out of a skull. It's my favorite season." Bucky nodded, "Which I'm thinking we should watch right now. But don't worry your pretty little blond head, I'll let you pick the season."

Steve blushed a little, "Okay."

"Awesome. So want me explain the basis of each season, or do you just want to go for it?" Bucky asked. 

"Explain. But don't give anything away." Steve said with a little smile. 

"Murder House is a house where a lot of murder happened and there's ghosts and crap. Asylum is about an asylum, believe it or not, in the 60s. Coven is the worst one. It's about witches that like to complain about everything. Freak Show is about a freak show, again so accurately named, and there's a murder clown." Bucky explained. He hoped he hadn't given too much away of the plot. It was hard to describe what you were getting into without giving something away. 

"Let's go Murder House." Steve smiled. 

"My other favorite." Bucky grinned and went to play the show. But someone knocked, "Who the fuck is that?" 

He stood up and opened the door, only to slam it shut again and lock it. 

"Jim, please open the door." A voice sounded through the room, "I just want to talk."

"Like you just wanted to talk in high school?" Bucky shouted at him. 

"Come on. We're supposed to be brothers. Can't we talk?" Whoever it was sounded sad. 

"No. If you wanted to be big brother you had more than enough fucking opportunities to do so. Now leave." Bucky said through the door. 

"Jim, just listen. Dad's sorry. He wants you to come back." He said. 

"Like hell." Bucky stood with his back against the door and his arms crossed, "I told you to leave."

"James." He sounded exhausted, "I've been trying to call you all day."

"I know. I saw." 

"Then why didn't you pick up?"

"You think I want to be associated with you?" Bucky shouted at him. 

"I know you're probably upset-"

"That's an understatement." Bucky interupted. 

"But I think you can find it in your heart to forgive Dad." The man said. 

"How? Do you know how many scars I still have from him? I had to get a couple tattooed over so people wouldn't ask questions." Bucky told him. 

"Jim, please. Just open the door." 

"Why so you can call up Pierce and have him beat me up again?" Bucky asked. 

"I said I was sorry."

"Do you think it makes it better? You can't just say sorry and expect me to be all sunshine and flowers." He said, "Now leave or I swear to God I will shoot you in the face without hesitation."

"Fine. I'll leave. But I really do miss you."

"That makes one of us." Bucky waited until the man left before he sat back down. Steve looked up at him with big blue eyes, shifting over to be closer to him. 

"Who was that?" He asked quietly. 

"Brock Rumlow. Pierce's first adopted son. Technically he's my older brother." Bucky sighed. 

"He called you James."

"Because that's my name. James Buchanan Barnes, Bucky for short." He explained. 

"You told him you had to tattoo over scars." Steve moved closer until their knees brushed. 

"Yeah. I did." He pointed to his left arm. He gestured down the train tracks that ran from his wrist to the inside of his elbow, "That ones to cover up self-harm scars."

Steve trailed his fingertips over the mountains of scar tissue. 

"And that's one's from Pierce." He pointed to the large red star on the shoulder, the only colored tattoo on the arm. Vines spread out from around it, covering his shoulder. He gestured to his other forearm, a flowery design covered words that Steve couldn't make out carved into his flesh, "These are from Brock."

"Do they actually say anything?" Steve bit his lip. Bucky nodded. He held Steve's hand and placed it gently on his arm. Steve traced each letter. _Liar, weak, dumb, fag, slut, bitch, cutter._ The list went on. Steve felt a lump growing in his throat. How could someone do that do another person? How could you do that and expect an apology afterwords? 

"I didn't tattoo my back. But I have a lot more there from Pierce. He liked it there because it was easy to hide." Bucky told him. Steve tackle hugged him. Bucky couldn't stop himself from wrapping his arms around Steve's waist. He'd known the kid for a day and he was already struggling with self-control, he was fucked. 

"I'm sorry you had to suffer through that." He muttered into Bucky's t-shirt, "That's so awful."

"I survived." Bucky smiled, even if Steve couldn't see it. 

"No wonder you had so many problems. Who wouldn't want to die if they had those things cut into their arm?" Steve said. 

"I'm better now." Bucky rubbed his back, "I'm definitely not okay. But I'm a hell of a lot better than I was." 

"I want to help you." He said, "What can I do to help?" 

"You can hang around more." Bucky suggested, "We can watch movies and play video games."

"Of course." Steve smiled and tightened his grip.


	3. 1985

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title taken from the song by Bowling For Soup  
> https://youtu.be/K38xNqZvBJI

"Hey, there's this big charity event the AFSP is holding. It's all vintage themed and I was wondering if you'd like to go with me." Steve asked. He was biting his lips again. 

"Don't you have a girlfriend?" Bucky tilted his head. Steve hadn't really left him alone in the week since Brock came over. 

"I mean as friends. I'm getting a whole group together to go." Steve explained, "And I promise I won't say anything about what happened when you were a teenager."

"I don't know, I'm not a big fan of crowds." Bucky shrugged. 

"Neither am I." Steve said, "Please come. I can have you over for game night or something if that makes you feel better. You can get to know everyone beforehand. There's not a whole lot of people that are coming."

Steve grabbed his hands and pleaded. Sticking his bottom lip out just enough to look sad and blinking his big blue eyes. 

"You're lucky you're cute." Bucky muttered, "Fine I'll come? Is there a dress code I should follow?"

"Pick 40s 50s or 60s and go with that." He said. 

"What's everyone else doing?" Bucky asked. He didn't want to stand out too much. 

"Peggy and I are 40s. Clint, Nat, and Laura are doing 50s. Sam's doing 50s. Tony and Bruce are 60s. Pick whatever." Steve was buzzing. 

"40s sounds fun." He shrugged. It was hard not to agree when Steve was so obviously excited at the idea.

"Okay, when do you want to meet everyone?" Steve asked. He was analyzing each of Bucky's micro-expressions to find anything that made him uncomfortable. 

"Whenever. I'm always free." He shrugged, "Except Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. I work then."

"How does this Saturday sound?" He bounced a little. 

"Fantastic." Bucky smiled. He couldn't wait to see the little blond boy again, and he hadn't even left yet, "And about Pierce, I didn't really mean for you to know that as soon as you did." 

"It's okay. You shouldnt feel sorry, it wasn't your fault." Steve said happily. 

"I didn't want to make things awkward between us so early on." Bucky scratched the back of his head. 

"You didn't. You'd know if you did." Steve told him. He still hadn't dropped his hands. Bucky tried, and failed, not to read too much onto it.

~*~

He was so excited about the weekend that he almost forgot to take pictures, like he was hired to do. Normally he worked with the local news. Sometimes he'd get to take the new kid, Peter, out with him. And kid he was, 15 and the biggest nerd to ever nerd. And on days like today, he got to arrange photos for social issues. LGBT awareness, domestic violence, and suicide prevention were his favorites. Today it was something about feminism, he didn't really pay attention. He was focused on Steve. 

He finally managed to get home Friday night. He'd scheduled a time out of his usual work days so he could work on his projects for the news. He crashed as soon as his face hit the pillow. 

He woke up late that morning and texted Steve to know when to come over. His reply was just to wait to get picked up. It wasn't far and Steve liked the walk.

Before long he knocked on the door. His big blue eyes shone through his thick framed glasses. His striped sweater was at least three sizes too big and his jeans couldn't possibly get any tighter without becoming yoga pants. A silver pendant hung around his neck. And again, a beanie. He had to have at least one for each day of the week. Today it was just plain black. 

"Nice sweater." Bucky leaned against the doorframe. 

"Well, the best time to wear a striped sweater is all the time." He smiled at him. 

"Did you just quote SpongeBob?"

"Yes."

"Okay." Bucky shrugged. 

"And I think only you could make what is essentially a cardigan without buttons look punk rock." Steve smiled, like he was trying not to laugh. 

"It also has a hood so I can turn into a dementor at will." Bucky added, "And I've learned that it's all in the jeans you wear. The more rips in them and the more shit you throw on them, the more punk rock."

"Never would have guessed." Steve actually did giggle, "Now come on, I think Clint's about to have a heart attack from excitment. He's what happens when you combine a teenager in the morning with a six year old."

"Well let's not keep him waiting." He stepped outside, saying a mental goodbye to Gregory and hoping he got his psycic message. They got a few weird looks from people on the street. Steve either didn't notice or didn't care, but Bucky noticed. He could feel their eyes on him. He couldn't stop himself from chewing on his lip ring. 

"You should stop doing that. It's bad for your teeth." Steve told him. Bucky popped the metal out from between his teeth. 

"I just noticed you have earrings." Bucky told him. 

"Oh yeah. I forgot about those." Steve shrugged, "You have a lot more than I do." 

"I have six ear piercings, if you count my industrial as one, and eight total." He said. Having to count in his head. One earring, two earrings, three earrings. 

"So, I take it you like a very specific kind of music." Steve stated. 

"You could say that." Bucky replied. He didn't like conforming to one "kind" of anything. And people tended to get pissy if you thought differently than them. 

"Which means you have to have some kind of guilty pleasure music." Steve nudged him. Bucky barked a laugh, "Oh, come on. Everyone has one."

"Fine, but you have to promise not to laugh." Bucky said, "You're not allowed to laugh."

"Cross my heart." Steve drew an X over his chest with his finger. 

"Melanie Martinez." He answered, "And possibly Simon Curtis. I neither confirm or deny that."

"Melanie isn't actually that bad. It's different than what I'm sure you usually listen to, but she's pretty decent." Steve said, "Mine's musicals."

"What?" Bucky did his best not to laugh. 

"Wicked, Legally Blonde, High School Musical." Steve listed off, "Do you know how many times I've blared the Popular song alone in my bedroom?" 

"That sounds adorable." Bucky could picture in his head, Steve mouthing all the words and pretending he was on stage. It was perfectly adorable. 

"You think everything I do is adorable." Steve tried to hide his smile. 

"Because it is." Bucky responded. Steve lead him up a driveway and opened the door. A streak of purple just about topped Steve over in a hug. 

"Nat! Steve's back!" The man shouted. He had short cropped, blond hair and blue eyes. Very similar to Steve, except for the height and muscle. Only slightly shorter than Bucky and incredibly muscular despite being relatively thin. 

"Did he bring his friend like he said?" A girl's voice called out. And suddenly she showed herself. All Bucky could look at was her furious red hair, "Hi, I'm Natasha."

"Bucky." He shook her hand. 

"I'm Clint." The man in purple said, "And Sarah's still outside, Steve."

"I'll go get her. Peggy'll be here soon. She'll probably let herself in." Steve started walking to the back door, "Bucky, get to know people." 

He smiled awkwardly. They brought him over to the couch. They sat and chatted with each other and Bucky found that they were very nice. They weren't even a little nervous around him. 

"What's your t-shirt about?" Clint asked. Bucky looked down, he'd forgotten what shirt he put on this morning. He could understand how one might find it confusing. With the weird colors and the flying silhouette of a man. 

"It's a band I like. I Prevail." He explained, "It's one of their album covers." 

"It kinda looks like a hippie motivational poster." Clint told him. 

"It does. I never really noticed until today." Bucky said. Someone knocked on the door and Steve hurried to answer it. Another pair walked in. The girl had shoulder length dark hair and bright red lips. The boy was short, not as short as Steve, and had something that Bucky could only really describe as a goatee.

The girl walked with purpose. She dressed in a way that reminded him of Taylor Swift, a button down shirt tucked into a skater skirt, ridiculously high heels on her feet. But the way she held herself gave her an air of command. Almost like she demanded respect. 

Steve walked behind her, grinning like a proud parent. 

"Peggy, this is my friend, Bucky. The one that Sarah ran over at the park." Steve told her, "Bucky, this is my girlfriend, Peggy."

"Hi, Peggy." He waved at her. She smiled at him. 

"Steve's told me a lot about you. He seems to be quite attached to you, despite knowing you for such a short period of time." She said. She stunned Bucky with her accent. He didn't know she was English. 

"Guess that means I get to actually keep a friend this time. Besides Gregory of course. But he doesn't really have a choice." Bucky shrugged. 

"Gregory?"

"My fish. He's the only thing I haven't killed yet. I tried getting a cactus once, it died." He said. 

"Dude, is that even possible?" Clint asked. Nat snickered. 

"I don't even know. But I managed it." He said. The boy started laughing, "I'm sorry, I feel like I should know who you are, but it isn't coming to me."

"I'm Tony fucking Stark is who I am." He said. 

"Oh." Bucky suddenly felt very small next to him. He'd read about how he created a new piece of technology, that most scientist thought was impossible, while he was drunk, on a dare, in a friend's garage. The circular, blue light had been surgically implanted in his chest and was estimated to power his heart for an extra 50 years. 

"Hey, Steve, is Bruce here? He's been stressed out lately and I want to know how he's been doing." Tony asked. 

"He's upstairs. But I think he went green a little bit ago. I heard him screaming and a lot of banging." Steve said. 

"He was doing so well though." He frowned, "I'm gonna go up and see him. I'll probably play some music to calm him down." 

"Okay. Don't be surprised if there's a hole in the wall." Steve told him. 

"I never am." Tony ran up the stairs. 

"I told you about Bruce didn't I?" Steve asked. 

"A bit. Not a whole lot. He's got the multiple personality thing, right?" Bucky asked. 

"Yeah. Whenever he gets stressed or upset, then he switches to Hulk. We don't actually know where that name came from, but he know that he's violent." Steve explained, "And we also know a lot about Jennifer. She's more social than Bruce is. And we know that she adores One Direction. Do you know how many times Bruce has come home with a One Direction CD and not know when or where he bought it?"

"Sound like fun." Bucky said sarcastically, "So, what did you have in mind for team building?" 

"Don't know, figured we could just make it up as we went along." He shrugged and bit his nails.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Half of this was written by me, sleep deprived, at 5 am. It is currently 6:12 and my head hurts because I'm so tired. But I was so close to being finished with the chapter. So I'm sure it's a super fun chapter.


	4. Rum and Coca Cola

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the Andrew Sisters song  
> https://youtu.be/zGxL2uNr7bk

Bruce turned out to be an adorably nerdy guy with curly hair and a green t-shirt. He blushed easily and sat in a way that made him look nervous and uncomfortable. 

They had all gathered around and began by ripping apart the threads of their new friendship until there was nothing left by means of Mario Kart. They all took turns, each with varying levels of competition. Steve being the worst. If Bucky was counting right, Steve had said fuck 27 times, called someone a bitch 23, told someone to suck his dick 12 times, and otherwise threatened someone a grand total of 46 times. 

"I don't think I've ever seen him swear." Bucky grinned. 

"He only ever gets like this when he plays Mario Kart and Monopoly. But he nearly always wins, so I guess it's effective." Clint told him. 

"It's so cute." Bucky couldn't help but fall in love with him more. Everything he did was little and innocent and childlike, even when he was swearing like a sailor who stubbed his toe. 

"You like him don't you?" Clint asked. 

"Well I mean-" He didn't really know what to say. A week and he was already in love. 

"It's okay, just don't tell Peggy. If she finds out she will either not care at all or she will gut you alive. And I honestly have no idea which." He laughed a little, "And trust me when I say that Steve has no idea. He's oblivious to anything romantic in the slightest. And right now he can't hear a thing we're saying."

"I was actually more worried about you finding out I was gay." Bucky admitted. 

"Why? There aren't really any of us that are totally straight. I think Peggy is and I don't even know if Natasha likes people beyond platonic." Clint explained. 

"I wasn't really taught to be too proud of it." He admitted, "Between Pierce and Russia, which was awesome don't get me wrong, but it's not the most accepting place on earth."

"That sucks." He squeezed Clint's shoulder. 

"It's cool. Obviously I moved on, mostly." He left it very open ended. He didn't need them thinking he was so fragile, "But do tell me more about how none of you are straight."

"I'm pan. Bruce is straight, but so is Jennifer, so I'm not sure if that still makes him straight. Tony's bi. Steve's bi. Peitro's gay, he lives with his sister. Scott swears he's straight, but I also caught him making out with Steve so I think he's lying." Clint quickly went over. Bucky blushed at that last bit.

"Oh." He was at a loss for words. 

"That was last year. Your only competition now is Peggy, which is pretty awful to be honest." He nudged him, "You look a lot less threatening when you're blushing."

"So you did think I looked threatening." He bit the inside of his cheek.

"How could I not? You have a metal bar going through your ear." Clint said. 

"That's true. It's just that you're one of the few people that I've ever met that didn't treat me like I was going to shoot them." He smiled. He felt victorious. 

"Have you actually ever been shot?" Clint asked. Bucky shook his head, "I almost have. Gun pointed straight to my head. Trust me, you don't look the type."

"What?" 

"The circus might seem all happiness and clowns and balloons to you. It's not all that great." He shrugged, "I used to work for the circus with my brother. Didn't do any preforming, but I learned a few tricks."

"Such as?" Bucky asked. 

"Archery mainly. And some acrobatic stuff. Bet I'm the only guy in this house that can do three different oversplits." He laughed to himself. 

"A what?"

"I can do the splits with my legs more than 180 degrees." He explained. 

"That sounds terrifying and painful." He really didn't want to picture it, but he did. 

"It is to look at it, but to me it feels more like this." He stuck his foot out a couple inches of the floor. 

"That is a true talent. All I've got is killing plants on accident and dancing alone in my room to music I don't really want to admit that I listen to." He shrugged. He'd been told he could sing pretty decently, but he couldn't tell if the compliments were genuine or just pity. And just like that, it was their turn to play. 

Bucky ended up getting first, Steve with second, and Peggy with third. Clint was awful at Mario Kart. They turned off the game and switched to Candyland. A very drastic change. There weren't enough pieces for everyone, so they used random things around the house. Bucky was a die, Tony was a quarter, and Bruce picked a little bear toy he had in his room. It was about the size of Tony's quarter. 

But they decided to amp it up a little. Each color you could land on had a corresponding food item. If you landed on a certain color, you had to eat whatever food went with it. Red meant Sriracha, orange was a Starburst, yellow was a spoonful of lemon juice, green was a gummy bear, blue was blueberries, and purple was a free space. Meaning you could pick anything you wanted from the group and eat that. 

Steve ended up having the cutest sour face ever. Instead of his lips pursing and eyes twitching like everyone else, his nose scrunched up and he stuck his tongue out. And Bucky discovered that straight Sriracha was actually really good, spicy, but good. He actually started hoping for red and purple spaces. Everyone thought he was crazy. 

Tony ended up winning. And somewhere in the process, Steve ended up sitting on Peggy's lap. It was something that Bucky hadn't ever seen, but it worked really well for the couple. Making him fume. He tried hiding his feelings and instead prayed in vain that their relationship didn't work out.

Eventually they all ended up playing a game dubbed by Natasha as Interrogation or Humiliation. Ask a question, if you fail to answer you must preform a horrendous act. They put an empty juice bottle on the floor to pick who to ask. Tony kept poking Bruce in the side to try and annoy him, making him crack a smile instead.

"Clint," Tony asked, "Do you like Pepper more than me?" 

"Yes." He didn't even blink as he spun the bottle, "Hi, Bruce."

"Hi." He waved a little and glanced at Steve's throat.

"How much do you actually know about radiation?" Clint asked. Bruce went into a very long explanation about the difference between waves and the effects of each. Clint started lolling off before Bruce spun. Steve's turn. The bottle traveled over and nearly hit him in the leg. 

"Are you sure you don't hate me after what happened?" He asked. 

"I've told you so many times already. I promise I don't hate you. It's not your fault it happened, so you're still my friend. That's not going to change because of something you can't control." Steve assured him with a warm smile on his face. 

"Are you sure?"

"Positive." Steve put a hand on his shoulder, "You can't even tell, right?" 

What happened that made Bruce think that this adorable little cinnamon roll hated him? It had to have been absolutely awful. Steve spun and it landed on Nat. 

"Can you see any more bruising anywhere?" He asked her, "For the sake of Bruce's peace of mind."

"Can't see a thing." She smiled a little at him. Bruce still looked upset. _Bruising? Excuse me?_ He thought to himself. What the fucking hell did Bruce do? They continued playing until another girl showed up to drag an upset Tony home. 

"What happened with you and Bruce?" Bucky asked Steve as soon as he was out of earshot. 

"He's going back upstairs again soon. I'll tell you then, when he can't hear." He said. They all ended up watching a movie together. Steve tucked tightly between Peggy and Bucky, Bruce on the other side of Peggy and Clint next to Bucky with Nat on the other end. 

After the movie, Bruce did go back upstairs, he excused himself as going to study for a test coming up. Steve called Bucky into the other room. 

"So what happened?" Bucky asked. 

"Last week, we had what we call code green. That means that Hulk came out." He explained. 

"He's the violent one."

"Yeah. It was worse than normal. We were doing our best to calm him down and get Bruce back, I guess I was the closest person to him. Maybe Hulk just doesn't like me. Maybe I'm the smallest, I don't know." He wondered out loud. 

"What did he do?" Bucky was getting nervous. 

"He tried strangling me." Steve said. Bucky immediately moved to cradle his precious neck, he could feel the transition between skin and makeup now. 

"Are you okay? Did he hurt you?" He asked. 

"No, I'm fine. We managed to get Bruce back before anything serious happened. I got it checked out, nothing's wrong. But this side of my neck," He ran his fingers gently down the left side of his neck, "It has some pretty nasty bruises. Luckily I'm pretty good at covering them up. Actually, that's why I was out walking Sarah that day. He needed time to recover."

"Does it hurt at all?" Bucky had to know that he was okay. 

"If you press down hard it does, but other than that it's fine. It's a little tender." He shrugged, "I'll be okay."

"But-" 

"I'll be okay." He smiled and pulled his hands off his neck. He let them linger for a second too long. Or maybe Bucky was reading too much into it. He didn't want to let go of him. They were closer than normal and Bucky could distinctively smell blue raspberry candy and clean clothes emanating from Steve. So intoxicating it could be bottled and sold for an outrageous price. 

"On the positive side, that's a damn fine makeup job." Bucky said. 

"Bruce doesn't know I covered it up. But it's actually pretty easy to do, I've gotten pretty good at it over the years. After having to do it for so long." He smiled. 

"You had to cover up bruises?" Bucky felt like he was suddenly very useless. 

"Yeah. It's not a big deal, people are just mean." He smiled. 

"It is a big deal. They hurt you. That's not okay." Bucky swallowed him up in a hug. 

"Well now we can be hurt together." He suggested, "If that's okay with you."

"Of course it's okay with me." He just sat and held him. He never ever wanted to let go.


	5. Me And You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not an actual summary but a sort of warning kind of. 
> 
> There are spoilers for AHS:Murder House. But only the first episode. I'm not going to say they aren't major plot points because 99% of the show is a major plot point. So if you haven't seen the first episode of Murder House then I guess be warned?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title taken from the Fall Out Boy song "I'm Like A Lawyer With The Way I'm Always Trying To Get You Off" which is stupidly long, so I didn't use it. 
> 
> https://youtu.be/GRIpjrYEMnU
> 
> Also, neither of them listen to FOB, but I couldn't think of another song to fit this chapter, so I'm just going for it.

Bucky was watching Steve paint. He was wearing a t-shirt that had to be at least six sizes too big and was slipping off his shoulders and exposing his prominent collarbone. The sounds of The Beatles and Elvis Presley filled the air around them. If they were a couple, Bucky would have his arms around his waist. He'd be pressing kisses into his bare neck. Not like he thought about it ever or anything. 

Bruce had left for a convention or something for a few days, meaning Steve wasn't covering up the bruises. The front of his throatwas red and looked irritated at the worst. But the sides, especially the left, were awful. Streaks of purple and red ran across his neck. Some of the worst parts looked blue. Where it was healing looked yellow, green even. 

He swore he was fine, but Bucky wasn't sure he believed him. Although he was impressed that Steve could even attempt at hiding the rainbow of color. Where did he learn that? Maybe painting? Bucky had tried to hide things with makeup before, it didn't work out very well. In the end he just wore what he could to cover everything.

Steve had finally stepped back from his painting, covered in greens and purples and blacks. Somehow he had paint on his cheekbone, and Bucky wanted nothing more than to just cradle his face and wipe it off. 

"It looks amazing, Steve." He managed to get out. He was amazed, as he always was when he saw his work. 

"Really? I'm not sure about it." Steve shrugged, making his shirt slump down around him even more. 

"Really. I don't understand how you can not think this is absolutely beautiful." He told him enthusiastically. Bucky stood up to go see him. He was staring at him, a blush creeping up his cheeks. He looked at where I put his hands, clutching to Steve's. Bucky quickly jumped back and apologized. 

"No. No it's okay. It's just that-" He trailed of. 

"What?" Something was wrong. 

"Nothing. It's not important." He shrugged it off, "Are we still up for this Friday? For the dance?" 

"Of course." He smiled, "Can't to show off all my vintage moves."

"I can't actually dance." Steve admitted. He scratched the back of his head. 

"What? This is an outrage. How is it that I know how to dance and you don't?" Bucky pulled him along up the stairs. 

"Why are we going to my bedroom?" Steve asked. 

"Because you're learning how to dance." Bucky told him. _And there will be no sexual tension between us at all._

"Was that supposed to sound sexual? Because it kind of did." Steve pointed out. 

"Not at all. I'm the last person who should teach you about sex, considering." He said, pulling him into the blue painted room. 

"Considering what?"

"Considering I've never actually had sex before." He chuckled a little. 

"You're virgin?" Steve asked. 

"Like the Virgin Mary." He said. He'd stopped being ashamed of it a long time ago, "Are you not?" 

"No actually." Steve said. Bucky almost choked on his own spit, but he kept himself under control. 

"Oh. Wasn't expecting that."

"Why not?" Steve tilted his head to the side, he was sitting on the bed. 

"You're just so tiny and polite and moral. It was just unexpected is all." Bucky explained. Trying to keep his breathing under control, "Anyway, let's get to dancing."

"Okay, but first, why my room?" He asked. 

"It's the most comfortable place to learn." Bucky told him with a small shrug, "Now come here. Who wants to lead?"

"You can. You're taller." Steve told him. Bucky explained where hands go for a waltz. He put his right hand carefully on Steve's lower back and held his hand with the other. Steve placed his hand on Bucky's shoulder. He was shaking. 

"What's wrong?" Bucky asked before they started. 

"We're really close together." Steve said simply, "And you're holding my hand, and your hand is on my back."

"Well I can move my hand up a little. Not much I can to about the hand holding though." He offered. 

"No, it's fine." Steve shook his head and stared Bucky in the eyes. 

"You're sure?"

"I'm sure." He cracked a small smile. Bucky continued on their lesson. Steve kept stepping wrong and tripping into Bucky's chest. It took a while to get Steve moving correctly before they were spinning around and laughing. They sat and giggled and played around.

Eventually they weren't dancing anything that Bucky could recognize, they were just spinning each other around and jumping around with varying degrees of physical contact. One moment Steve's head was pressed against Bucky's chest, the next they were arms length apart barely hanging on by the tips of their fingers. But Bucky learned that a six inch height difference meant that Steve's head fit perfectly under Bucky's chin.

Bucky spun him back in. Steve's back was pressed against Bucky's chest. Their hands were hooked together in front of the pair. They melted together. Steve had snuggled into him. Time seemed to slow down around them.

It only lasted a few seconds before Steve pushed himself away. Like he was suddenly coming to his senses. Bucky wanted nothing more than to pull that little blond head back and just hold him. But he knew why he couldn't, so he didn't. 

"You want to go play Minecraft or something?" Steve shrugged. 

"Sure." He followed him down stairs, "But it should be noted that I have never played."

"I'll show you how." He smiled. He turned on the game and handed Bucky an Xbox remote. He created a new world named Starbucks. 

"Why Starbucks?" He asked. 

"I'm the patriot, stars and stripes. You're Bucky. Star-Buck. Starbucks." He explained. Bucky looked around and walked towards a sheep. 

"Look at its face. Oh my God." He laughed, the pixelated sheep turned it's head away, "No, I didn't mean it. Come back to me Shawn."

"Shawn?" Steve asked. 

"He's Shawn the sheep." Bucky said. Steve stared back blankly, "Have you not seen that show? It's an amazing creation. American Horror Story and Shawn the Sheep."

"Bucky don't hit that. It'll blow up." Steve warned. 

"Cool!" He immediately smacked the four-legged green blob that came running towards him. The Creeper blew up and killed him.

"Told you not to hit it." Steve was punching trees down. 

"You're dumb." Bucky pouted, "Why do you look so weird?" 

"It's the default character. His name's Steve. My name's Steve. So I play as Steve. Right now you're Steve in a tuxedo." He said. 

"Is there a Bucky in the game?" He asked. 

"No, but you can change it like this." He showed Bucky how the switch his skin. 

"Woah! I can be Wilfred from Doctor Who!" He grinned. Steve laughed at his excitment, "Okay, now what do I do?" 

"I normally build a house. More monsters come out at night." Steve explained, "You're welcome to share with me. As long as you don't hit any more Creepers."

"Okay. Can I help build it?" Bucky asked. 

"Sure." Steve said. They picked out a place for their home to be built and Bucky learned how to cut trees down. Soon they had the start of a nice little house. Meaning they had a floor. The sun was setting and Steve built a little dirt shelter for them to sleep in. 

They kept playing and Bucky got really excited over very small things. Like a chicken that came inside. Or a rabbit he found hopping outside. Steve just sat and giggled. Their house was build using nothing but wood and a cactus that Bucky found that was potted and put in their kitchen. 

"It's just like Jim." He laughed, "I miss Jim. I accidentally killed him."

"Jim the cactus." Steve put up a sign that labeled their houseplant as Jim 2.

When that was completed they switched over to watching something on Netflix. 

"American Horror Story, Stevie." Bucky reminded. Steve blushed at the nickname. 

"Okay." He squeaked out. Bucky thought he crossed a line, until he saw the small smile spread across his face. He turned on episode one and was greeted by a little girl in a yellow dress repeating the line "you're gonna regret it" over and over to a set of mischievous, trespassing twins. True to her word they were dead before the opening credits. 

Steve was curled against Bucky's side, face half hidden behind his arm. Steve's reaction to Moira made Bucky very nearly fall on the floor. Soon he settled into the mood of the show and calmed down, even with the occasional jumpscare. He fell in love with it. He fell in love with Evan Peters and his literal brutal honesty. 

"No, Vivienne! That's not your husband! What are you doing! No! You were just yelling at him for cheating like two seconds ago! Now look at you!" He yelled at the screen. 

"You realize she can't hear you, right?"

"I don't care."

"And she thinks that's her husband."

"So? She's still cheating on him." Steve pouted. 

"You don't like him very much though. You haven't since the second he showed up on screen. And I can't help but think that's due to some inner demons." Bucky said. 

"So you-what the fuck?" He exclaimed as Tate's cackling combined with screaming and flashing lights created a very intense, odd scene in front of the pair. Bucky waited for it to pass and Violet to push him away before pausing the show. 

"Sorry, what was that?" Bucky pushed, "I mean, if you don't mind my asking."

"It sorta has to do with relationship history. I don't want you to be uncomfortable." He bit his lip. 

"Unless someone murdered your entire family, kidnapped you and then you had sex with them or something, I really don't care." Bucky smiled at him. Steve sighed. 

"Three years ago, I was actually engaged." Steve admitted, Bucky nodded, "He was a really, really awesome guy. That's actually why I'm living here, because we were living together and I didn't have anywhere else to go after we, broke up we'll say."

"What happened? If you're cool with telling me, anyway." Bucky turned to face him. 

"Almost exactly what happened with Ben actually. I caught him with his professor in our bed." Steve explained, "I spent the next six months trying and failing to patch it up."

"Fuck. That's horrible." Bucky shifted a little closer. That's why he was so uncomfortable with showing affection towards other guys. While he was willing to put his head on Natasha's shoulder and sit on his girlfriend's lap, he refused to touch Tony or Clint for more than a few seconds at a time. It seemed like Bucky was the unwilling exception to that rule. 

"It's okay. Like I said, it was three years ago. I've gotten over it." Steve shrugged sadly. 

"I'm still sorry that happened." Bucky rubbed Steve's shoulder. Trying his best to be platonic about it. 

"I'm fine, really. I moved out, I got a girlfriend, I made a new friend." He looked at Bucky with a small smile, "And I might even be starting to find another guy attractive again. Which is great for me, but pretty bad for Peggy."

Bucky laughed on the outside. But inner Bucky couldn't keep from wondering who he was thinking he was attracted to. He thought maybe him, but that was quickly dispelled. He had stupid hair and stupid tattoos and stupid piercings that he chewed on. He got excited too easily and he laughed at stupid jokes. He was stupid and someone so small and precious like Steve couldn't possibly be more than friends with him. 

"That's good." He said, hiding the turmoil of emotion inside him. 

"It is. Can we play the episode again? I'm enjoying this more than I should." He admitted. 

"Of course." He played the episode again. They were introduced to Two-Face. 

"Another?"

"Sure." Bucky laughed. Steve settled down. He was still oddly close to his new friend. He was probably just uneasy, the show did that to you.


	6. Hound Dog

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title taken from the Elvis song.  
> https://youtu.be/-eHJ12Vhpyc

For once, Steve wasn't in a beanie when he knocked on the door. His hair was parted to the side and all combed down. His white dress shirt was too big for him, like all his other clothes, and tucked in his trousers. The outfit was completed by dress shoes and suspenders. Peggy stood behind him and she made Bucky, a very gay man, nearly drool all over himself. 

She showed next to no skin in her knee length dress. The neckline only hinting at any sign of cleavage and lined with red Ruggles, matching the rest of her. Red shoes, red lips, red watch. She wore a delicate silver necklace. The only thought Bucky could come up with was _wow she's lucky I'm gay_. 

"You look fantastic." He told her. Steve rocked back and forth on his heels. 

"Thank you." She smiled politely, "Although I do believe the others are waiting for us, we should probably head out."

"Yeah, of course." He shook himself out of his daze and followed the pair outside. Peggy strided in front. 

"You know, you look really nice too." Steve told him quietly, "How'd you hide your undercut?"

"I figured out how to cut it so if I part it then I can hide it. Mostly because of work. People like you more if you don't look scary, believe it or not." Bucky laughed at himself. 

"And you took out your piercings." Steve pointed out. 

"Well, I'm supposed to look vintage, aren't I?" He asked. Steve smiled. They climbed in the car. Tony was driving and Bruce was in the passenger seat. Whatever kind of car they were in, it was expensive, Bucky knew that for sure. 

Tony was definitely more enthusiastic then Bruce was. Bruce wore just more formal clothes than normal, khakis and a bright yellow shirt. Tony wearing black pants and a blue shirt with a silk paisley scarf. Why he owned anything he was wearing was beyond Bucky. 

"We're meeting the others there." He said, "Steve, come on you know the rules."

Steve groaned and got in the the middle seat. 

"What's the rule?" Bucky asked. 

"The smallest person has to sit in the middle." Steve sighed. They happily drove, Tony blaring AC/DC and making Bruce giggle. Tony seemed to be the only one who wasn't concerned about making him switch, almost to the point of provoking him. 

They arrived at the hotel the event was held at and walked up front. They each payed their entry fee and went inside. Natasha greeted them in a black and white dress. Half of her hair was slicked back. She smiled at them and lead them all to where the others were. Clint wore a white shirt and purple tie with a black fedora. Was everything he owned purple? There was a girl he was with with a belly just large enough that it still wasn't polite to ask if she was pregnant. A tall, relatively thin, black man was with them. 

"Hey guys, you made it." Clint grinned at them, "You guys haven't met Bucky yet, have you?" 

"I don't believe I have." The other man said, "I'm Sam."

"Hi, Sam." Bucky smiled at him, "It's good to meet you. And who is this lovely lady over here."

"I'm Laura, Clint's girlfriend." She smiled. 

"It's a pleasure." Bucky told her, "I'm really happy you two got to meet me when I don't look scary."

"You never look scary." Steve told him. 

"I look scary most of the time. You don't have to pretend I don't." He said, "Tonight I just happen to not."

"Because you're dressed up." Tony said. 

"That would be why yes. I hide it pretty well, I must say." Bucky giggled to himself. 

"Why do you look scary exactly?" Sam asked, his arm around Steve's shoulder. 

"My hair's blue, I have a sleeve and a quarter of tattoos plus another down the side of my leg and one more on each foot, and I have eight or nine piercings depending on how you count them." He explained. 

"Your hair isn't blue as far as I can tell." Laura said. Bucky held back his hair to show her the shaved off half of his head, "I stand corrected."

"You have more tattoos than what's on your arms?" Steve asked. 

"Yeah. And I'm actually thinking about getting another one." He shrugged. He was. It had almost become theraputic for him. He tattooed the word _Safe_ onto his wrist to remind him he was okay. He had chemical formulas of pleasure etched into his feet to make sure he always had happiness. It was time for his next milestone.

"Really? What of?" Steve asked. 

"Not sure yet. Something to do with LGBT stuff or rainbows or something." He really didn't know. 

"Why exactly?" Laura asked. 

"Because I'm gay." He answered. She nodded slowly. Clint, who was standing next to his girlfriend, gave him an encouraging smile. An Elvis song came on making Steve grin and pull Peggy onto the dance floor. Tony grabbed Nat and Bruce silently asked permission before offering his hand to Laura. Sam had found a very skinny Aisan girl to dance with. That left Clint and Bucky alone together again. 

"Well, you're out now." He said. 

"Guess so. Hey, is Laura having a baby? I didn't want to seem impolite by asking her." He scratched the back of his head. 

"A baby girl. She's five months along. I'm really excited about it. We're trying to find somewhere to move to together because we both have roommates right now and we can't really like together without our own place." He explained. 

"I'd help you out if I could." Bucky told. 

"You don't have to do that. We think we've found a nice little apartment not too far away. Eventually I'm hoping we can get a huge farm with chickens and tractors." He smiled. 

"That's awesome." Bucky said, "I hope you guys are happy." 

"Thank you." Clint grinned. He watched as Bruce smiled and danced with Laura. He slowly spun her around, despite the upbeat tempo of the song. He was so careful with her, but it was obvious they were both having fun with each other. The song ended and the pair sat back down. Bruce left to get her some juice. 

"You feeling okay?" Clint asked her. Bruce returned with a plastic cup of apple juice and handed it to her. 

"I'm fine. Just tired is all." Laura rolled her eyes at them. She sipped on her juice and Clint sat with her. The announcer called out Junior Dance time. And everyone younger than 14 ran out. 12 year olds grouped together in clumps. Bucky saw one boy who couldn't be older than 4 ask another little girl to dance with him. They walked out hand in hand and quickly became the center of attention. A six year old boy tugged on Nat's skirt. 

"Excuse me, miss. Would you like to dance with me?" He asked her. 

"Of course I would." She smiled at him and followed him out onto the dance floor. A pair of men watched him from the side and giggled to each other. The song ended and the little boy walked over with Nat to them. The three adults talked to each other before she came back over. 

"So, did you finally meet the man of your dreams?" Clint asked her. 

"I don't think so. He's cute, but a bit young for me." She said, "He's got nice parents though."

"Was that who you were talking to?" Bucky asked. 

"Yeah." She nodded. What a Wonderful World began playing and again, they all separated into pairs. Clint and Laura. Sam and Nat. Steve, Tony, and Peggy all together. Again, Bucky sat out. Even if he wasn't dancing, he was still enjoying himself. Bruce stood next to him.

"So I take it that you and Tony are pretty good friends." Bucky said. 

"He's okay. I wouldn't go so far as to call him a friend, but he's not bad. He's not afraid of me, that's nice." Bruce said. 

"You know, I have demons too. Nothing like what you've got, but I have them. And in a roundabout sort of way, people are afraid of me too." He reassured, "I don't even know if that's any consolation to you."

"You choose to look scary. I don't really have a choice." He reminded. 

"Not intentionally though. Actually, I started by getting tattoos to cover up scars. Eventually it became something I really enjoyed doing. I just became more daring over time. But I didn't wake one morning and decide to shave my hair and peirce my ears." Bucky told him. 

"You have cover up tattoos too?"

"You do?"

"One on my leg." Bruce said.

"What of?" Bucky asked. This shy little guy was the last person he expected to have a tattoo at all. 

"Are you going to laugh if I tell you it's DNA?" He asked. 

"Not at all. I have a rose tattoo that takes up my entire forearm." Bucky told him, "It's probably the most necessary though."

"Is it a cover up?" 

"Yeah. The guy that adopted me, had another adopted kid named Brock. He used to carve insults into my arm. Obviously I was pretty depressed seeing them every day so I tattooed a flower on top of it. Because what's happier than a flower?" He smiled. 

"That's awful." Bruce said, "Dad didn't do anything that horrible to me."

"Your dad?" 

"He was a drunk. You don't get split personalities from nothing you know." He said. 

"I know the feeling. The abuse part, not the personality thing. Which is really cool just do you know. But cool in the same way dragons are cool. Like it's terrifying, and evil, and dark, but it's so fucking awesome." Bucky said. 

"Has anyone ever told you that you act like a five year old?"

"I never had anyone to say anything nice to me since I was in high school." Bucky said, "But let's talk about something less depressing."

"What was your first tattoo?" Bruce asked. 

"That's still pretty depressing actually." He rolled up his sleeve to show him the train tracks on his arm, "I didn't like looking at my self harm scars, so I made it so I didn't have to. My first piercing however is a funnier story."

"Do tell."

"Well I was 17 I think. And my boyfriend at the time decided to come with me to pierce my ears. He's trying to scare me out of it, telling me it's super painful and awful or whatever. And I sit and laugh at him because it can't be that bad right? Two seconds and it's done. I was wrong. They got everything prepared and they got one ear done and I just grabbed his arm. It was an odd sight to say the least. Like imagine 2005 Pete Wentz clinging to Stiles from Teen Wolf and that's about right. Eventually I got both ears finished, but I didn't let him go for a good 20 minutes."

"Wow. That's uhm-"

"It hurts to have an old man shoot a needle through your ear." Bucky defended, "You can't blame me."


	7. Dance With The Devil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part two of the last chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title taken from the Breaking Benjamin song of the same name.  
> https://youtu.be/lMSkC2PGyTs

"And it's ladies choice, all you lovely young women pick your partner for this next song." The announcer said. Bucky wasn't expecting anyone to ask him, much less Peggy. She held her hand out in front of him as as invitation. He took it and they walked out to the dance floor. She's Not You played through the speakers, the sweet sounds of Elvis surrounded them.

"So, I take it you want to talk." He said, his hand was much higher up than when he danced with Steve. 

"You're falling for Steve." She said. She seemed calm about it, but who knows. She could very well be planning how to hide his body. Bucky had two options right now, lie or tell her as it was. He figured honesty was the best policy. 

"I fell for him nearly the moment I first saw him." He told her. He braced himself for whatever torment might come from saying that. 

"It's alright." She told him. 

"What?" That was the last thing he expected. 

"I said it's okay." She smiled. 

"Aren't you worried? What if I end up doing something? What if I try to break you up?"

"Are you planning on it?" She asked. She was at eye level with Bucky, the first girl he'd ever been able to look directly at without bending over. 

"No." He sighed, "I don't want to get it the way of whatever makes him happy."

"Then I'm not worried about anything." She said, "I believe he told you about his engagement?" 

"He did."

"Then I think you can figure out why he won't do anything with you for a while. He's scared of being hurt again. His whole life he's known nothing but rejection and loss. He's been alone until very recently and he doesn't want to be alone again." Peggy told him. He doubted that Steve had said any of this to her. She just picked up on things. She'd be a really good interrogator. Maybe she was, Bucky didn't know a lot about her. 

"I'm sure he's terrified. Fuck it, I'm scared that I'm going to be abused again." He said, "But why do you feel the need to explain this to me? I haven't known him that long."

"Because he's beginning to have feelings for you too." 

And there was that bombshell. Bucky nearly froze in place. Only by pure muscle memory going on autopilot did he remember to move. 

"What?" He finally asked. 

"He has feelings for you. Not anything like Cinderella's we met last night and you don't even know my name but we should get married. It's still small. But he refuses to admit that it's there, and honestly it's becoming irritating. No offense intended, but I can't listen to him talk about you all day."

"None taken. Actually I can't even hear myself all day." He said. That's why he watched so much TV, so that he didn't have to hear himself think. His dark thoughts were always just around the corner. 

"I fear that if I don't intervene then you both will sit and look the other way even though you're both miserable doing so." She said. Was she trying to hook them up? What? Bucky hadn't ever had a girlfriend before, but he was pretty sure that wasn't what they do.

"But you're together. And you're trying to get us together." He explained. He sounded dumb, but he also felt a little dumb. 

"To put it simply. We weren't going to last forever, I knew that. The problem is, that I don't think he'll ever admit it to himself until he knows that you don't intend to hurt him. So you're job is too make him feel safe with you. Make him feel like you won't hurt him." She said. She sounded like she knew what she was talking about. She had a plan and Bucky wasn't to be getting in the way of things. 

"I think I can do that." He had been wanting to take Steve out somewhere, but he just needed incentive. They chatted for the rest of the song before going to sit down with the others. Clint was sitting with Laura and talking.

"Hi, Bucky." Bruce waved at him. Bucky chose to ignore Tony, who was sneaking up behind his friend. 

"Hey." Bucky smiled. He didn't know what was about to unfold in front of him, but he wasn't doing anything to stop it.

"So you and Peggy were talking?" Bruce asked me. 

"Yeah. Nothing interesting to report though." He smiled. Tony was nearing his target. 

"Cool." He said. Tony pounced, tickling his sides mercilessly. Bruce laughed and tried to push him off. He shoved at the hands at his waist, out of breath from laughing so hard. Tony stopped and let his hands rest on his waist. His chin was placed on his shoulder. Bucky wondered for a moment if they really were together and they were just lying. 

Clint stood up to talk to Nat, so Bucky sat next to Laura. 

"So Clint tells me you're having a baby." He told her. 

"Yeah, we are. We're moving to a little apartment together to take care of her." She said. She seemed tired. 

"That sounds awesome. Congratulations. Babies are so much fun. A lot of work, but fun." He told her. 

"You sound like you're speaking from experience." She inquired. 

"I am." He said. She nodded, "No, I'm not a dad. As much as I'd like to be."

"So what's you're experience then?" She asked him. 

"I had this friend when I was like 13, we met right after I got adopted. He didn't exactly have the best home to grow up in, his parents were gone most nights, he kind of had to find for himself. And he had a newborn sister. Because he was on his own most of the time, he had to take care of her. Neither of us had any friends beyond each other, so I helped out. We raised baby Rosie, practically on our own, for the first six years of her life."

"Really?" She seemed impressed. 

"Yeah. She became the closest thing to a daughter I have. I still visit them sometimes. She's nine now. They're living together." He told her. His only friend beyond his fish was very nearly his ex-husband, without the romantic feelings and complicated legal things.

"That's really sweet." She smiled, "Remind me to get you to babysit for us." 

"You might change your mind when you see me normally." He warned her, "Most people aren't fans."

"Well you're a genuinely nice person. You're a big teddy bear, it doesn't matter to me what you look like normally. Little Lila here would be honored to have you in her life. Wouldn't you?" She asked her stomach and giggled. 

"I don't know either of you very well, but I can tell that Clint's gonna make a really fantastic dad." He assured her, "I'm happy you picked him and not some douchebag that doesn't care about you."

"I'm going to take that as a compliment." She laughed a little. They all danced together for another two hours before returning home. As soon as they left the building, Bucky shook out his hair, leaving it messy and bright blue for all the world to see. Again, Tony drove him home. Steve walked him up to his door. 

"Would you be against coming to do something with me next weekend?" Bucky asked him. 

"What would this something be?" Steve questioned. 

"It's a surprise. But I will say that even though it might seem a little illegal, it's totally safe. Trust me I've done it a thousand times." He assured, "No need to worry your pretty little head."

"What?" He exclaimed. 

"Don't worry. It's not anything hazardous to health or safety. It just might seem like breaking and entering. But it's a public place. And we can't get in trouble. Believe me, I've had a few close calls that didn't even end in a call to Pierce." He said. 

"It sounds sketchy."

"I know. But it'll be fun. The most dangerous thing that happens is you climb a ladder. And this is coming from someone that doesn't trust Rollercoasters that go upside down." He told him, "Trust me."

He rubbed his arms slowly. 

"I don't know why I'm saying this, but fine. Take me out to your sketchy place that sounds illegal." Steve said. 

"It's not illegal. It just seems like it is. Which actually makes it seem more fun. It's like you're in a spy movie and you're ducking behind crates to hide from security and you're sneaking around and-"

"Please shut up before I change my mind." Steve told him. 

"Thank you use much." Bucky hugged him, "I'll text you the details and I can pick you up. It's easier that way. My car's black, it'll be less obvious."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have just changed my username again. I'm sorry I keep changing it, but I'm still kind of experimenting with my new name. I think Peter's the keeper though.


	8. Help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title taken from the Beatles song  
> https://youtu.be/pb52aHbVqQQ

"Are you sure about this? It doesn't seem safe." Steve asked over the phone. 

"It's perfectly fine. I'll explain as we go, but trust me when I say we'll have fun." He said, "Be sure to wear black."

"I don't have any black shirts though." Steve said. 

"Then you can borrow something of mine." Bucky said. He had plenty of black to go around. He only actually had a couple colored t-shirts. 

"Oh. Okay." He said. Bucky could almost hear his smile. 

"I'll bring you something when I come to pick you up. Which will be soon, so be ready to go. We'll be on a bit of a time crunch if you're not."

"No, it's just fine. I'll be ready." Steve giggled a little before hanging up. He hurried into his room and grabbed a jacket and another sweatshirt for Steve. 

He drove over with some Green Day album playing quietly in the car. He wasn't really paying attention. He knocked and Steve swung it open. 

"Hi." He smiled his glasses slid down his nose and he had to push them back up. He was dressed head to tow in black except for a dark green t-shirt he had on. 

"Hello, I come bearing gifts." He bowed as he held out his sweatshirt. Steve laughed and put it on. He drowned in it. Bucky smiled and took his hand through the sleeve. He pretended not to notice the blush creeping up Steve's pale cheeks. He rolled the sleeves up so he could use his hands.

"How's that?" Bucky asked. 

"Better." Steve managed his voice a lot better than Bucky thought he would. 

"Then let's go." He swung his arm around Steve's shoulders. He was very carefully planning out every move he made to make Steve feel at ease.

"Where are we going?" Steve finally asked. 

"Right now we're getting snacks. But we can only bring what we can carry in our pockets." Bucky said, "But after that it's still a surprise."

"Oh." He sounded disapointed. An hour later they were parked behind the college concert hall. 

"Let's go." Bucky smiled. He motioned for Steve to follow. He walked up to the door. He jiggled the handle, only to find it locked. He shrugged and pulled something out of his pocket. He worked for a remarkably short amount of time before twisting the lock and opening the metal door. 

"Where did you learn do to that?" Steve asked. 

"Taught myself. It's not actually that hard." He admitted, "Now we have to hurry before we get caught."

"I thought you said this was safe." Steve said. 

"And it is. But if we get caught, it means a whole lot of time wasted that we don't have." He pulled him inside and closed the door quietly behind him. It was dark enough that they could hide easily. Bucky grabbed his wrist and they snuck over to another door, this one unlocked.

Bucky led Steve along, ducking behind things and peaking around corners. He seemed to have a rhythm, but Steve didn't know what it happen to be. And then they stopped. Right next to a thick curtain blocking off entry to something very high up. 

A big man walked up to the pair. He had the facial expression of a man who was told his son wanted to ride unicycles professionally. 

"Phillips." Bucky whispered as loud as he could, "Here's the kid I was telling you about."

"Is this really the best you could do? I was expecting a man, not this chorus girl." The man scolded Bucky. 

"He's a good guy." Bucky defended. 

"Should've brought the other one back." 

"Chester, you know the circumstances there. We weren't dating, we were just casually taking care of a baby together in the most platonic way possible." He said. 

"And you know that you don't call me Chester." He threatened. 

"I'll call you whatever the hell I want to." Bucky snapped back. 

"Don't get cocky with me. Now who's the newbie?" He asked. 

"Steve Rogers." He introduced himself. 

"You Erskine's boy?" Phillips asked. 

"I'm his special project if that what you mean." Steve shrugged. 

"Heard a lot of amazing things about you. Now get the hell up there I unlocked the gate up top." He waved them off to duck behind the curtain. 

If outside was dark, wherever they were now was a black hole. Not a single light shone inside. It was entirely pitch black. Bucky could feel his nerves going crazy, they did every time he came up. He simply shut his eyes, it didn't hurt his vision and it felt normal to do. Bucky kept a firm grip on his wrist. He could feel the blond shaking with anxiety. 

"Close your eyes. It doesn't feel that scary if you do." Bucky whispered, "I can't see either. But that's just fine, I can help you up. Just follow me."

And that's how they went. Bucky whispered gentle instructions to him and guided him up the spiral staircase. 

"I'm going to grab your other hand. Is that okay?" Bucky said. No answer, "Steve I can't see you. You're going to have to answer out loud."

"It's okay." Steve said. Bucky reached for his wrist. He whispered words of encouragement to him. They reached the top and pulled back another heavy curtain. This time they were flooded with light. 

They were in one of the pillars beside the stage at the college. Steve had come to watch shows here, and he knew people came up here, but he'd never seen anyone and he often lost interest after a few minutes staring at a hollow concrete tube. 

It seemed that every one was just beginning to settle down for the show. The lights were on in the theater and people were still chatting. The curtains were closed. In strolled a man, looking about Bucky's age.

"Grayson." Bucky grinned, "Hi. I haven't seen you in a while."

"I know. Why didn't you tell me you were coming? I had to find out from Drake. How dare you." The new man lit up. Bucky laughed.

"Didn't think you cared. And I brought a friend this time." He smiled and brought Steve forward. 

"Oh my God, he's so cute and tiny. I'm Richard Grayson. I'm a friend of Bucky's, for lack of a better word." He shook his hand violently. 

"He prefers Dick though." Bucky said. 

"No, _you_ prefer dick." He bat his thick eyelashes. This guy was gorgeous. Blue eyes, dark hair, taller than both of them. 

"Shut up." Bucky giggled a little, "How's Rosie? I haven't visited in a while."

"She's doing okay. Some of the girls are picking on her because of her, uhm, family situation. And she really misses Papa." Grayson explained.

"I really need to come for a visit. I've just been so busy lately. I mean Steve's here now, I haven't been able to take time off of work, the dementors are starting to attack again. Fuck, Brock wants to renew our brotherly bond or some shit like that." Bucky told him.

"What? Has he come over yet?" He asked. 

"Yep." 

"What did you do?" He gasped. 

"I slammed the door in his face and threatened to shoot him." Bucky shrugged. 

"Good. You're finally standing up for yourself." Grayson smiled, "Anyway, the shows about to start, and I've got tech to manage. It was very nice to meet you Steve, if Bucky does something stupid, make sure to slap him for me."

Steve laughed. 

"Make sure to tell Rosie that I miss her and to call me after school on Monday." Bucky told him. He nodded and left with a quick hug. 

"So who was that?" Steve asked. 

"It's a long story. But he's more than just a friend." Bucky said. 

"So, a boyfriend?" Steve asked. 

"No. He's about as close to my husband as you can get without being romantic with each other though." Bucky said, "I'll explain it after the show."

~*~

What a show it was. A solo cellist playing for an hour and a half. Steve adored her. But he hadn't forgotten. They sat in the car together when he brought it up. 

"You said you'd tell me about your friend." Steve reminded. 

"Right. I did. Where do you want me to start?" Bucky sighed. 

"The beginning I guess."

"Okay. Well when I first got adopted I made this friend at school. His parents were gone a lot to go out to parties or whatever, and left him at home with his newborn baby sister, Rosie. I started going over to his house just in order to get away Pierce. And in doing so, I helped him take care of him sister. As she grew up she saw us as her parents instead of her actual parents. When I lived in Russia we would Skype every day and they'd call me. When I came back he had a whole folder of things she made for me. She was, maybe 3 when I got back and everything was labeled Papa. And she never stopped calling me that."

"So you basically have a daughter?" Steve asked. 

"Yeah I do. And she's amazing." Bucky smiled, "I should take you out to meet her sometime."

"That'd be fun." He smiled, "You said you weren't together now. Were you ever?" 

"We raised a kid together, you can't do that without some kind of romantic connection. Ours just happen to be short lived." Bucky shrugged. 

"Oh."

"Calm down. We didn't do anything different than normal, with the exception of a makeup session here or there. And were never an official item. It was more that he was curious, he knew I was gay, I let him experiment." Bucky assured him. 

"And one more thing?" Steve asked more than stated. 

"What would that be?"

"You said that dementors were attacking." Steve shifted his weight, "What did you mean."

"Nothing important." Bucky said. 

"It seemed pretty important."

"Well it isn't."

"But you pointed it out."

"Doesn't mean it's important."

"You're avoiding the subject."

"I am not."

"Yes you are." Steve argued. 

"You're crazy."

"Is something wrong?"

"Nothing's-"

"Are you sure?"

"I'm totally-"

"Really?"

"I'm fucking depressed!" He shouted. Steve let up, "That's what it means. And I really didn't want to bring it up because I don't want to make you worried."

"Do you mind if I, uhm, stay the night tonight?" Steve hesitantly asked. 

"Don't worry about me, I'm not going to do anything stupid. Not yet, I mean. I'll probably end up doing something stupid though." He bit his lip. 

"I still want to be with you." He reached for his hand. Normally Bucky would be excited at the new development, but he had brought his emotions out and they left him feeling cold and hollow. 

"Alright. Whatever. I'll let you borrow some clothes or something. I don't have a guest room though, so you'll have to get the couch or share a bed with me." He explained. 

"I don't mind sharing."


	9. Blank Space

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've plotted out the chapters more or less. I'm thinking 15-ish more (after this one). That'll probably change as I go on, but at least that's a destination.
> 
> There is discussion about AHS: Murder House again. Episodes 3 and 4 mostly, but a touch of 2. I'm doing my best to keep the spoilers on the down low, but that's a really hard thing to do. Like I said, every word, every gesture even is a major plot point.

Bucky lost his keys in his pockets. Steve stayed within arms reach of him. 

"Make yourself at home, I guess." He bit his lip, sorry that he ever brought up his issues in the first place. Steve smiled a little at him. 

"We could watch a movie if you'd like." Bucky told him. 

"Or we could watch that show again." Steve said. He was hooked after only two episodes, "After that whole thing with the murderers, I'm curious to see what happens. And I really hate that bitch."

"You hate everyone involved with Ben." Bucky reminded him. 

"Not true. I hate everyone in his story arc. Vivien is fine, Violet's fine, Hayden is not fine. Hayden is about as far from fine with me as she could possibly get." Steve said. Bucky laughed. 

"Come on let's go change. As much as I love wearing these jeans, they aren't exactly comfortable." He said. Steve agreed and took the clothes handed to him. He went to the bathroom and came back out dressed in all black. Somehow he made it work. 

"I want to see what happens. Let's go watch it." He pulled on Bucky's sleeve. He smiled and gladly followed. He switched on the TV and was welcomed by Little Miss Moira making the bed in her sexy little French Maid getup. Bucky was gay, but he couldn't deny the fact that if asked, he wouldn't turn down having sex with her. 

Steve curled into his side. His head rested on his shoulder. He wasn't even being shy anymore. When Constance walked in and gave her short speech, he clung to Bucky's shirt. It was obviously getting to him. 

"You okay?" Bucky asked him. 

"I'm fine. Just brings back bad memories." He smiled. Bucky took his word for it. He didn't really have another option. 

"Okay. But if something gets too much, you let me know. This show tends to push boundaries. There have been times when I've had to turn it off for a few minutes and calm down." He explains. Steve nods and continues to watch. 

"That gazebo sounds nice. I wish I could have a gazebo. In the summertime I'd tie fairy lights around it and light it up at night while I drank lemonade." He smiled happily. He was more talking to himself than anything else. But Bucky took mental notes so he could build Steve his gazebo. 

"I'd like to live in that house. If you took away all the creepy stuff, it'd be a nice place to live." Bucky said. He adored it. He remembered Nora in this episode talking about each individual piece of architecture like it was the most precious thing in the world. And he really couldn't agree more. 

Maybe he could live with Steve. Maybe he could recreate the moment with the couple standing under the half-finished gazebo, of course you'd have to forget about the corpses underneath. Look at him, daydreaming about his future with Steve when they hadn't even been out on a single date. He just continued watching. Rewatching made him feel so many more things yuan the first time around. 

"That fucking bitch should get her head bashed in." Steve whispered to himself, "Why the fucking is she screaming? Don't do that. Why is he letting this happen? Push her! I wouldn't care if she was nine months pregnant. Push her."

Buckh chuckled to himself. He had about the same reaction and he'd never gone through anything remotely similar. 

"You go Two-Face. No don't hug her. What the fuck are you doing?" He yelled at the TV. Bucky adored listening to him. He got so excited when he watched the show. The credits rolled and Steve begged for the next episode. 

"It's the Halloween Special next. You sure you're up for it?" Bucky teased. 

"Yes I'm up for it. I didn't get any Tate or Addy at all last episode. I'm watching the next episode." He insisted. Bucky shrugged and played the show, "Is that Spock?" 

"If by Spock, you mean Zachary Quinto then yes. It is. And he's actually gay, in real life." Bucky told him. 

"I like him. He wants to keep him happy, he's trying his best to patch things up. And all he asks for is help carving pumpkins, buying some supplies, and acting happy during a Halloween party." Steve smiled at him, biting his lip a little. 

Bucky decided that now was the perfect moment to take a risk. He slipped his arm around Steve's shoulders and pulled him closer, earning a little purr despite the chaos on screen. He snuggled in closer and watched as Addy read a book with Travis about Halloween. For more than 15 minutes straight it was almost pure fluff. And then Constance had to ruin it. 

"Steve, are you okay?" Bucky asked. He could see the pain in his expression, even when he tried to hide it. Steve just curled in more. Bucky paused the show and pulled him on his lap. Steve was straddling his thighs while his head nuzzled into his neck.

"Is it weird to feel like I have a lot in common with a fictional girl with down syndrome?" He asked. 

"I feel like I have a lot in common with a fictional black woman with three boobs. You're just fine." He assured. Desiree had been his favorite since the moment she appeared on screen. Shameless and happy to show off what she was born with, she met prejudice head on and beat it into the ground. All without taking off her heels or messing up her makeup. 

"Really?" He leaned back, his arms were around Bucky's neck. 

"Absolutely. Want to talk about it? I'll listen." He tucked Steve's hair behind his ear. 

"I used to get made fun of a lot for being skinny and I'd get beaten up. And I just want to be pretty. For once in my life, I want to feel like I'm pretty." He admitted. Bucky cradled his face gently. 

"If it means anything to you, I think you're really pretty. That's really all that I know of that can describe you at all. Physically at least. You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. And everything you do is just the cutest thing in the world. How anyone could even think to insult you, it's almost impressive to me. Because you're so perfect-"

He was cut off by a pair of lips on his. He closed his eyes and leaned into it. He was seeing stars. The whole world must've stopped spinning. His lips were soft and he tasted like vanilla and sugar cookies. How could anyone possibly hate this angel? And, yes, he was convinced now that Steve was an angel. How could he not be? 

But as quickly as it started, it stopped. Steve pushed himself away. Not that Bucky minded at all, he understood exactly why he was freaking out.

"Thank you." He whispered to Bucky, who smiled and let Steve calm down a little. He moved his hands to his waist to let him climb off if he wanted. He didn't. 

"Not a problem. But I know that me telling you how pretty you are won't make you feel pretty." He told him. Steve shrugged. 

"So?"

"So, tomorrow I'm taking you out shopping. Because clothes can make you feel differently. Believe me, I know." He explained. He didn't know how he was forming complete sentences. He was still dizzy with happiness. He wasn't really sure what was going on. 

"Are you sure? I don't want to waste your money." He scratched the back of his head. 

"I'm sure." He said, "And no arguing. I know you want to."

Steve blushed a little. Bucky giggled to himself. 

"Can we finish the episode?" Steve asked with a small smile, "We can't leave it where it was."

"Of course we can we watch it." He said. Steve turned around and settled down in his lap. Bucky lightly pushed him off to adjust their position. He held his arms out for Steve to sit with him again. He placed himself carefully between Bucky's legs with his arms around his waist. 

Bucky consoled him through the difficult second half of the episode. He combed through his hair, trying to keep him calm. 

"Come on. Let's go to bed." He said when the credits rolled, "We can watch part two tomorrow."

"But she's-" 

"I know. Now come up with some theories in bed. It's late." He smiled at Steve. He reluctantly gave in, standing up and following Bucky to his bed. They curled up together and were asleep within minutes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title taken from the I Prevail song (not Taylor Swift song).   
> https://youtu.be/czb_CZfWko8


	10. Until I Kissed You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title taken from the Everly Brothers song of the same title  
> https://youtu.be/m2ma7r23SrA
> 
> Again, discussion about the Halloween episode part two. Can't remember what number it was and I'm too lazy to look it up. Pretty much the only thing that's said is that someone did something that made Steve very upset.

Steve had woken up that morning so happy. He was wearing his own jeans with another borrowed shirt. Bucky was going to make him feel pretty today. He trusted him. Or he did until he saw where they were starting. 

"Are you sure about this?" He asked hesitantly. 

"Yes, I'm sure. I've tried more styles than I can count, and believe me when I say, nothing makes you feel prettier than this." He assured him. Steve bit his nails in apprehension. 

"I don't know."

"Well I do know. And this is the best way. Even if it's just as an experiment." He told him, "There's nothing better."

"I guess of you're absolutely sure, it can't be that bad right?" He shrugged, still nervous. 

"It's scary at first, but once you get used to it, it really isn't that bad." He wasn't lying. He'd tried so many different clothes until he found what made him feel comfortable in his own skin. 

"Okay. Let's go. I guess." He shrugged. Bucky held Steve's shoulders and lead him into the store. Soon they were immersed in pastel pink walls and the smell of flowery perfume. 

Bucky told him to pick out whatever he liked and they could work around that. Steve picked up a mint green sweater. Big and baggy, but with tighter sleeves just passing the elbow. 

"Should've guessed you'd pick an oversized sweater. Come on, let's play matchmaker." He waved him to a big rack full of skirts in various colors, "So you're an artist, I'm assuming you know how to match colors up in a pleasing way."

"Not really when it comes to clothes. It's different than painting. But I understand color theory pretty well." He shrugged. 

"Okay. Normally you have a brighter color, like your sweater, and neutral colors to offset it. You can pick what color that might be." He explained. Despite what people thought, be was actually pretty knowledgeable in practical skills. 

"Show me?"

"Sure." He smiled, "For this I think I'd accent with black. Not because I always resort to black, if you can believe that."

"Any reason why?" 

"Not really. I just think it'd look good." He shrugged and started to pick things out. He handed Steve a lacy, black skater skirt, "Pair this with black thigh highs and a necklace if you want and you're good. You want to give it a go?"

"Uhm, sure." He said hesitantly. He kept the same black skirt and picked up a dark green t-shirt. He continued to walk through the store until he found a section of flannel shirts, picking a red one out of the mix. 

"I feel like you're exploring a lot more now that you're about to wear a skirt. You picked something with no bright colors whatsoever." Bucky pointed out. Steve's cheeks were tinted pink, he gave a little half shrug. 

Bucky let him try on his new clothes and appointed himself errand boy. He helped Steve decide if something was too big, put new outfits together for him to try, and helped Steve with decisions. Normally he'd help with too small items, but he was so little that their smallest size was sometimes too big. 

They ended up leaving with a large selection of clothes and a very happy Steve. He quickly relaxed when he actually put the feminine clothes on. He said he felt pretty. He hadn't felt like he fit in any of his clothes until now, but he'd never known why. They headed back to Bucky's to watch part two of the Halloween special. 

"Do you mind if I change? I think I liked wearing girl clothes more than I should." He scratched the back of his head. 

"They're only girl clothes if a girl is wearing them. Now, unless you suddenly spill your guts about being trans or something, you're a boy. That means they're boy clothes. Even if they're made for girls." He reminded him, "It's like Pokémon. It's made for small children, but I still proudly watch the cartoons."

Steve laughed and went to go pull on his brand new skirt. Bucky remembered when his hair was still short and he'd wear flower crowns and makeup to school. Dick would play with his hair and give him piggy back rides through the halls. Rosie would tell him he had to be the Princess and she got to be the dragon. He'd ask her who would play his savior and she'd point to her big brother. They'd laugh and play along. 

He remembered getting his industrial with pink hair, tattoos, and a leather skirt to top it all off. And then he remembered why he stopped. Pierce discovered his precious hobby and shut it down with the broom and the leash. Steve settled next to him and placed his head on his shoulder. 

"What are you thinking about?" Steve asked. 

"Nothing you need to worry about." Bucky smiled through the hard memory, "Let's get this started up."

"Yes please." He sighed. As usual he talked through the whole episode. Not directed at anybody, but just voicing his thoughts. It was a nice little quirk that Bucky normally hated. Now he was absolutely in love.

"But he didn't do it. Did he? He couldn't possibly. She said she should be 34. She looks the same age as he does. If he did it, they wouldnt be the same age. Right?" He begged Bucky. He looked really upset that someone would even suggest something so absurd. Bucky simply shrugged. 

Steve recovered and they decided it best for him to go back home. As they drove Steve seemed to get increasingly uncomfortable. 

"You okay?" Bucky asked. 

"Just thinking about last night." He played with the hem of his shirt. A thousand things flashed through his mind. It could've been a million things, but one event in particular stood out among the others. 

"In general? Or is there something that happened?" He played it safe. He was taking a walk in a mine field. One wrong move and everything would blow up in his face. 

"When we, uhm-"

"Oh. Listen, I get why'd you be upset. I really do, so I'll let it go. I won't tell Peggy unless you want me to," Lies, "And I promise I won't break in and microwave Sarah or anything."

"Would she fit in the microwave?" 

"Probably not. Meaning I'll just have to make do with tomatoes." He sighed. Steve laughed, "But in all seriousness, you can relax about it. Hell, call it platonic if you want. I'm no stranger to friendly kisses. Whatever makes you happy."

"Really?"

"Of course." Bucky assured him. He pulled into Steve's driveway. Was Steve always this close to him, or did he just move? 

"And what if I want a repeat?" He whispered. Bucky's cheeks were tinted pink. 

"Whatever makes you happy." He kept quiet. Like the silence surrounding them was precious and delicate. Steve brought their lips together once again. Bucky gently reciprocated. Steve broke away even sooner than before. The difference was that this time he lingered. 

He'd stayed close. Bucky fought back the urge to peck his lips. Steve needed to reach out to him, at least for now. Steve nuzzled his nose in his neck before stepping out of the car with his shopping bags. 

As Bucky arrived back at the house, he grinned and rested his forehead on the steering wheel. Steve had kissed him, twice. And had explicitly stated that he wanted more. He licked his lips, trying to get more of Steve off of him. Peggy obviously wasn't much for PDA, or else she'd be on that boy constantly. 

His phone rang in his pocket. He looked at the caller ID to find that Dick was calling. Really at a time like this? He was on cloud nine. And the idiot wrecked it. But he answered anyway. 

"Hi Papa." Rosie's sweet little voice rang out in his ear and all his problems melted away. 

"Hey, sweetheart. I'm sorry I haven't called in a while. I've been really busy lately." He told her. Not a total lie. 

"You need to call more. I miss you a lot." She said sadly, "Dick broke up with Barbra and I think he's got a crush on this guy at the coffee shop."

"Is that so?" He asked. 

"Yep." She assured, "When are you going to come visit again? I haven't seen you since our spring concert."

"I know, I know. What if I come up for your birthday? Unless there's something going up before that, that I need to be there for." He asked. He wanted to come up sooner, but he really couldn't justify it. They lived a town over, it was just chance they ran into each other last night. 

"I don't think so, but I'll let you know. Okay?"

"Sounds awesome." He smiled even if she couldn't see it, "And I might bring a friend with me. That okay?" 

"Of course it is. But are you sure he's not a boyfriend?" She asked. She knew him well. 

"Not yet he isn't. But if I'm lucky, maybe I'll be able to pull it off. Maybe even by your birthday." He laughed to himself. Rosie giggled. 

"Is he pretty?" She asked. 

"I think he's very pretty. And he's started wearing skirts just like I did. He's got blond hair and bright blue eyes and he wears big, thick glasses." He described. She sounded absolutely thrilled that her Papa was telling her about his friend. 

"Does he have a lot of tattoos like you do?"

"Nope. I don't think he has any at all actually. And the only piercings he has are earrings." He chuckled under hi breath. She loved hearing everything about Bucky and who he had a crush on. 

"Really? Can I pick out your next tattoo?" She asked. 

"Sure. You can color a whole bunch of pictures and when I come visit again, we can pick one out together. If you want, I'll even let you come with." He promised her, "And after we can go out and get ice cream."

"Yeah!" She cheered, "Wait, I just remembered something."

"And what would that be?" 

"We're having a Mother's Day party at my school and, because I don't really have a mom, I want you to come instead." She explained, "Can you please come?" 

"I don't know, Squirt, the moms probably won't like me very much." He was always apprehensive about her school get togethers.

"So? Just ignore them. That's what you always tell me to do." She had a point. Bucky had been proven wrong by a nine year old more than once. 

"When is it?" He gave in. 

"Yay!" She exclaimed with excitement, "It's on May sixth and it starts right after lunch. And you can bring your boyfriend if you want to."

"He's not my boyfriend, Rosie." He corrected. 

"Sure he isn't." She giggled.


	11. Training Wheels

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title taken from the Melanie Martinez song which can be found [here](https://youtu.be/OKY57T5mvLY)
> 
> This doesn't have a whole lot of Stucky in it, but it does have Rosie.

Bucky felt very self-conscious standing with all the prim and proper mothers. They scoffed at his piercings and the few tattoos visible. But this is what made him feel like himself, so he refused to change. He saw his little girl run up to him. Her thick, dark hair was tied into two braids and fastened together with two baby blue bows. She wore a big fluffy skirt and a neon green unicorn shirt. She swung her arms around his waist and gave him a big tight hug. 

"You got rid of your rainbow." She looked up with disappointment. 

"Well I had forever and it was starting to fade. Figured I'd switch to plain old blue." He smiled at her. He got some astonished looks from the other mothers. 

"But I liked the rainbow." She pouted. 

"Maybe I'll switch back. Or maybe I could convince Dick to put a streak or two in your hair." He smiled at her. 

"Can I dye my hair rainbow?"

"No. But I'll let you pick out the color we do. How does that sound?" He asked. 

"Awesome." She grinned, "Can I do pink?" 

"Sure. But we have to get your brother's permission first. So you have to be really nice to him. He's a pushover, remember? You're not allowed to tell him I said that." He told her. 

"Of course." She blinked her big blue eyes sweetly and ran back off to tell her friends that she might be dying her hair. 

"She's gonna tell him I said that." He chewed his lip ring.

"Is that your daughter? You seem a bit young." One of the younger mothers asked. Her brown hair was tied up into a bun and a pair of glasses perched on her nose. 

"Define daughter." He told her. 

"Your legal child." The woman snapped back. 

"Then no. She's not." He shrugged. He had gotten used to the odd looks. You had to when you were 14 and you were carrying a baby around the grocery store. 

"Why are you here then?" She looked at him disdainfully. 

"Because she asked me to be here for her. She doesn't really have a mom. I mean she has one, but she doesn't like Rosie very much." Bucky explained vaguely, "Other than her older brother, I'm really all she has."

"And how did you get involved in the first place." She asked. She wasn't very nice to him. He decided to take the upper hand and stay as kind as he could to the young lady. 

"Long story short, Dick and I were best friends. It was either go see him and help with the baby, or get beaten with a broom handle. And I ended up raising a kid before I was in high school. Obviously, I got attached." He didn't want to go into detail. He didn't like the details. Rosie knew them well enough because she lived them. That was all that mattered. 

"I bet they weren't even friends. I bet they just screwed each other. A couple of pillow biters." He heard another woman whisper. 

"Excuse me," He smiled at them, "We were just friends. We're still very close, but only friends."

The blush that spread across her face was worth it. 

"You'd be right in thinking I'm gay though. That's why I had rainbow hair for a while." He told her with a small smile, "Also I don't recommend wearing that particular shade of green anymore. Your face doesn't have a lot of red in it, so the green makes you look sick. A little blush would help."

"Why do you know that?" 

"Because I know how women's clothes work. At least I have a pretty good idea. I did spend a year in them, so that should give me some insight." He casually put out there. Rosie tapped his arm to get his attention. 

"Did you bring your boyfriend?" She rocked back and forth on her heels. 

"What did I tell you yesterday?"

"He's not your boyfriend." She groaned, "But I wanna meet him."

"Steve couldn't come, he's getting his paintings displayed in a gallery and he needs to get ready. He's been cranking them out like crazy lately." He explained do her. He told her all about the different paintings he'd been doing. He described the colors and the movement each piece had. 

"Do you think I could go, Papa?" She rocked on her heels. 

"You want to ask Steve that? It's his show." He said. She nodded. He scrolled through his phone and selected Steve's contact number. He let her write out a text to him, "Go nuts."

"You just give her your cell phone?" The young mom asked, "What if she deletes something on accident? Or she calls someone she shouldn't?" 

"She's not an idiot, you know. Kids are smarter than you think. And if she does do something wrong, then I'll tell her why it happened and how she can fix it. Then she knows for the future." He told her. He sucked his lip ring between his teeth. He glanced over to see Rosie taking selfies with her friends. He chuckled to himself. 

"And you're letting her dye her hair pink." The older woman scoffed. 

"Just a streak. And if she hates it we can dye it back. Or we could cut her hair. Or it'll grow out. Or wash out. It's not permanent. What's wrong with experimenting a little?" He asked them. 

"Aren't you a little worried about how she'll grow up?" They questioned him. 

"Not really. She could end up being a pole dancer at a strip club and I'd still be proud of her. That's a tough job. As long as she'd not doing anything illegal, and she's happy, I don't care what she does." Bucky loved his little girl. And he wanted to make sure she always had a home. Just like he always wanted. 

"How irresponsible." He heard someone mutter. He rolled his eyes. He didn't want to deal with their arrogance right now. Today was his baby girl's day. He wasn't going to let anyone ruin his good mood. 

"He's such a boy. I bet he didn't even help. He was probably sitting around the whole time." The older scoffed. And that's what got Bucky's blood boiling. 

"I did sit around. I sat with Rosie when she was six months old and sang her disney songs to try to get her back to sleep." He did a lot of sitting around the first couple of years. He sat and played with her. He sat and read to her. He sat and held her when she cried. 

"You're just trying to justify yourself. You're not fit to be a parent."

"Her favorite was Belle from Beauty and the Beast. And she liked it when I sang Tale as Old as Time In French." He pointed out. 

"I bet he doesn't even speak French." The younger woman said. 

"Je parie que je parle mieux le français que vous." He stated blandly, "I also know Russian, German, Spanish, Romanian, and bits of Italian here or there." 

Rosie ran up to him again to give his phone back. 

"Danke, Röschen." He smiled at her. 

"Bitte shin, Vader." She replied. And ran back off. 

"She's only fluent in German right now." He told them. Their jaws dropped. They watched Rosie, with her little braids, reply to kids asking how to say this or that in German, "Is that good enough for you? Or do I need to start quoting Shakespeare or something?" 

"Can you?" The older asked. 

"He jests at scars that never felt a wound. But soft. What light, through yonder window breaks? It is the east and Juliet is the sun." He said. He'd played Juliet in a school play for the boys drama club. They'd run out of actors and brought in a stranger. That stranger being Bucky. And he conquer the role. 

That was all it took from them all to fall in love with him. They all crowded around him and bombarded him with questions. He could feel his anxiety growing and growing. He was bursting at the seams. He couldn't breathe. His heart pounded out of his chest. He felt like he was dying. 

Rosie broke into the circle and dragged him out. Like she could read his mind. She pulled him over to her desk and showed him everything. His world stopped spinning. He taught himself how to breathe again. He laughed at her little jokes and listened to her explanations. She handed him a little package wrapped in tissue paper. 

"You're not allowed to open it until you get back home. Okay?" 

"Yes ma'am." He grinned. They sat and talked and he played games with all the other kids until school ended. He walked with her outside and put her in the car. 

"So what did Steve say about you coming to the gallery?" Bucky asked her. 

"He said he'd love it if I came and he was excited to meet me. And he also told me that you need to call him when you have the chance. He has something really important to talk to you about." She sat with her Pikachu backpack in the seat next to her. 

"Did he say what?" Bucky couldn't think of anything he'd be needed for. 

"No. He just said it was important to tell you sooner rather than later." She said. They continued to chat until they got to Dick's house. Where she ran inside and waved to him goodbye. 

He knew he shouldn't be on the phone while he drove, but he needed to know what Steve was so urgent about. 

"Hey, Stevie. Rosie said you wanted me to call." He told him. 

"Yeah, I need an announcer. And I was wondering if you wanted the job? You just have to give a 5 minute speech about how you know me, our relationship with each other, a little about you if you want." He explained. 

"Oh. I don't know. Do you really want me? I mean I can fix myself up and-"

"I want you to just be you. With all your humor and awkward stumbling. And your blue hair and tattoos and everything that makes you up." Steve said, "And I would really love it if you would do it."

"I can't make any promises about how good it'll be, but I'll do if you really want me to." Bucky sighed. He really couldn't turn Steve down. 

"Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Everyone will adore you I just know it." Steve assured. Bucky pulled into the driveway and walked inside. He kept talking to Steve, telling him how it went. He placed the gift neatly on the counter before collapsing on his bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Je parie que je parle mieux le français que vous. - I bet I speak French better than you do. 
> 
> Danke, Röschen - Thank you, little rose
> 
> Bitte shin, Vader - Your welcome, father


	12. All I Have to do is Dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter taken from the Everly Brothers song of the same name which can be found [here.](https://youtu.be/tbU3zdAgiX8)
> 
> God I love the Everly Brothers. They're so awesome.

Bucky clipped ribbons in Rosie's hair. She asked if she could be Anna for the gallery, and Bucky couldn't say no to her. 

"Well don't you look absolutely stunning." Dick smiled at his sister, "How in the hell do you manage to do things like that, Buck?" 

"I don't know. I sort of just guessed my way through. She likes being princesses, so I turn her into princesses." He shrugged. Rosie went to pick out earrings to match her dress. They were told in wasn't super formal, but she adored dresses. 

"That's talent. Anyway, you ready for this speech? It doesn't sound too bad." Dick leaned against the doorframe. 

"It's worse when everyone makes assumptions about you." He reminded him. 

"Bucky, it's a group of artists at the university. They're all about showing individually or something like that. No one will care that you have tattoos. They aren't even violent tattoos. They're flowers and stars, and happy juice and stuff. Not even drugs, literal happy juice." He pointed out. 

"I wish people cared about why you got tattoos." He walked out of the bathroom and picked up his jacket. 

"They do care. It's art that you decided to permanently etch into your own skin. Not only is that super metal, but they're going to care about the why." He comforted. He rested his hands on his shoulders. Bucky held up his wrists. 

"But this is why. People don't like this why." He stared at his own forearms. 

"You have to listen to me, they'll love you. I know I do. And you need to stop being so anxious. People aren't as cruel as you seem to think. But I know that's hard to believe after everything that's happened to you." Dick pulled him into a hug. Bucky smiled. 

"You're so awesome."

"I know. Now go put on some eyeliner. It feels weird seeing you without it and it makes your eyes look amazing." Dick let him go and pushed him toward the bathroom and handed him the pencil. Bucky smiled at him and lined his eyes. 

He hugged his friend goodbye and followed Rosie out to the car. 

"Papa, can I sit up front tonight?" She asked him. 

"You're not allowed to tell Dick. He'd have my head if he knew I let you sit in the front seat. So if you promise, then it's okay." He told her. She cheered and climbed in the front seat, "And I might have gotten you a little present."

"Really?" She grinned. But it soon fell, "But it isn't a holiday, is it?" 

"Nope. I just got a big bonus from my last shoot, which means I could buy you this." He handed her a little package covered in wrapping paper and a bow. It was one of the only times he could actually afford to get her something just because he wanted to. Her smile returned and she peeled back the paper. 

"Wow, really?" She exclaimed. She bounced in her seat and clutched the new album with joy. She obviously didn't recognize the cover, but she could read the name of the band. 

"Are they still your favorite?" Bucky asked with a smirk. 

"Of course they are!" She threw her arms around his neck. He couldn't help but laugh, she was so animated and energetic and full of love. Just like her big brother. She sat back down and ripped the plastic off the case and put the CD in.

The sound of Beastie Boys filled the car. Rosie knew all the words to every song.

"I have some bad news though."

"What?" Rosie looked up at him with her doe eyes. 

"Sabatoge isn't on there." He said with disappointment. 

"Aw." She frowned. 

"Next time." He promised. They pulled up to the campus and he held her hand to guide her through the maze of hallways until they found Steve. 

"Hey, Buck. I see you brought Rosie. Bucky's told me a lot about you." Steve smiled at her. She blinked at him with a small smile on her face. 

"Hello, Steve. I'm really excited to meet you." She told him, "And he's pretty nervous so you have to make sure to be super nice to him because people make him nervous and when he gets in a big crowd of people he freaks out and starts shaking and Dick has to talk to him until he calms down."

"Rosie." Bucky warned. 

"Well you do. It's kind of scary, but it's okay because I know that you can figure it out. Sometimes you need some help though, but that's what my big brother is for." She nodded. Bucky smiled, "Papa, can I go look at those pictures over there until it starts?" 

"Go ahead, but meet me next to that sculpture right there at 7:00. You still have your watch?" He asked as he knelt down by her. She nodded and he sent her off. 

"She seems like a cute girl." Steve laughed. Bucky stood up. 

"She really is. When she was really little she made us play princess and she had to be the dragon that protected the princess." He laughed. 

"So who was the princess?" Steve asked with a smile.

"I was. Dick was the knight. And used to try to pick me and I'd punch him." He said. Steve chuckled. 

"You two seem really close. You keep telling me you weren't ever together, but I keep feeling like that isn't true." He pointed out suspiciously. He had every right to be suspicious. His feelings for Bucky were apparent and he'd been lied to before. 

"I guess there was one time of experimenting. It wasn't really a relationship as much as just Dick being confused with his sexuality and I was the closest guy that was cool with making out with guys. Lasted maybe two weeks. Never went further than that. But he's a very affectionate person, so I don't think you'd guess that from just observation." He shrugged, "He's the kind of person that will compliment random strangers and give them hugs."

"That's all that happened?" Steve asked. 

"Besides just goofing off and singing duets from Disney movies together for Rosie, yeah." He shrugged, "So tell me about these pictures you made. I'm excited to see them."

"Don't you want her to stay close or something? I've never had a kid, I don't know." Steve bit his nail. 

"She's fine. She knows what to do. She hasn't gotten kidnapped yet and she can handle herself. Once in her karate class, when she was like seven I think, she took on this kid. He had to 18 and at least three times her size. She beat him to the ground. She ended up dislocating his shoulder." He shrugged off. He wasn't worried. 

"Wow. That's, that's quite a feat." Steve stood dumbfounded. 

"She's a tough little girl. Anyway, your pictures that are being displayed." Bucky changed the subject. He followed Steve down a hallway to a room full of paintings. Each one had a small plaque in front of it with the name of the painting and a short blurb about it. Steve pointed to the first one in the room. 

"This is one that I did for Peggy. I just hasn't done anything for her and I really wanted to put something here for her." He explained as Bucky drank in the gorgeous work of art. Her face was entirely blank other than her red lipstick. But everything else was made in such detail. She stood in the rain, illuminated by the moon and a streetlight. Steve showed him the next picture. 

"This is what anxiety feels like to me. I was having a particularly bad day and art therapy helps with that. It ended up being one of my favorites so it's here." He shrugged. The most generic figure stood alone. It looked like a mannequin, totally white with no face and ambiguous features. Gnarled black hands dug into its skin and strangled it. 

"That's scary, but it's accurate." Bucky felt his heart ache at the thought that his Stevie hurt this much. 

"And this one is depersonalization. Doesn't happen often but it's terrifying when it does." He said. Bucky couldn't even quite comprehend why he felt the way he did about what was in front of him. It was just a girl looking out at the world through glass. She was just touching it. But he felt cold and distant. He felt like he wasn't really looking at something right in front of him. 

One after another, Steve showed his true colors. A painting a someone keeled over with their back full of arrows. Their heart was painted over their skin. He said that was how he felt trying to piece together his engagement. A girl putting makeup on in the mirror. Steve's longing to be pretty. The final painting was one that nearly made Bucky's jaw drop. 

It was a picture of Bucky. Yes it was from the back. Yes most of his face was covered with hair. But there was no doubt it was him. His shirt was off, his back was filled with scars. His tattooed arm hung down was his mostly blank arm held his opposite shoulder. His jeans hung low on his hips. Everything was blue. It was like someone took a black and white photo of Bucky and painted it blue. 

"You painted me. But how'd you get the scars so acurate? I don't think I've ever taken my shirt off in front of you." Bucky wanted to reach out and touch the canvas. He felt honored to be up here on the wall. 

"I may or may not have walked in while you were changing. I just thought it looked pretty. Awful, but pretty." He scratched the back of his head. 

"Next question, whose back is this? It isn't mine. I don't have nearly that many muscles. Not that I'm complaining." He couldn't take his eyes away. 

"It's Clint's. Do you know how weird it is to tell someone you need them to take their shirt off for art. I'm so lucky that he's used to my weird requests. He's my usual model." Steve admitted. 

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I make him come smile at me or stand a certain way so that I know how the body works together. I normally take some artistic liberties though." He shrugged. Bucky laughed. But he mapped out the scars mentally on his back with the ones in the picture. The thick one down his spine the thin mountain ranges of skin decorating his shoulder blades. The giant x over his hip. 

"Is it cool that I'm just staring at this? I'm in shock a little bit." He admitted. It didn't feel like the picture in front of him was actually him. He knew it was. He could look down and see the tattoos that matched up. He could feel the bumps of the healed skin. But it didn't feel real. 

"Is it bad? Should I not have done it?" Steve asked, fiddling with the hem of his shirt. 

"No. God no, it's beautiful. It just doesn't feel like me. I kind of feel like I'm floating." He said. 

"Like someone else is controlling your body and you're just there for the ride?" He questioned. Bucky nodded, "That's depersonalization. It's probably kicking in because remembering what happened is too hard for you to do. Think about little things around you. The temperature, little background noises you hear, what your clothes feel like, things like that. It helps it go away. Let's go walk around for a while."

"Okay." He followed Steve through the halls and looked at the different exhibits. Drawings, sculptures, digital art on screens, everything was here. Steve asked him to tell him stories. Rosie ran up and gave him a hug. He smiled and scooped her up. 

"Hi, Papa. Did you go look at the art?" She asked. 

"I went and looked at Steve's art." He told her. 

"Can I go see?" She asked. Bucky glanced over at Steve. 

"If Buck is feeling better, sure." He told her. She looked up at Bucky, concerned. 

"Did you have another attack?" She asked. 

"No. Something different this time. It's not as scary as the attacks are. But I'm feeling better. Steve has the same problem and he helped me with it." He explained to her. She nodded and rocked on her heels. She followed quietly behind them, stopping them to point out pieces that she liked. When they entered the room again, a pair of women stood in front of Bucky's blue painting. 

"I wonder what his inspiration was. It's painful to look at." One said. 

"But it's just so amazing to look at. It's powerful. Look at the background." The second countered. Bucky hadn't read what the plaque said, he was too mesmerized by his own canvas reflection. 

"Domestic violence is such a horrible thing. Do you think it was based on a real person?" The first asked. Bucky told Rosie about Peggy while they looked at the first painting. The more she heard the more she wanted to meet Peggy. Steve went up to the two and got their attention. They talked for a minute before Steve called him over. 

"I'll only be a minute Rosie. Don't go anywhere." He told her before walking over, "What's up?"

"These lovely ladies were asking about your painting." He said. 

"It's not really my painting. I wish I could do that though. I can't draw stick men. But what we're they asking about?" He chewed his lip ring. 

"Don't do that, Buck." Steve nudged his arm, "They wanted to know more about you. And the backstory behind the painting."

"Oh. Well I'm not going into too much detail, obviously. But in essence, my parents died in a car crash when I was 12. I was adopted by Pierce at 13, he was abusive. No one believed me when I tried reporting him. I lived in Russia for a year. I'm gay and Russia was better than Pierce. Came back to America and moved out a year later on my eighteenth birthday. I've been living on my own since then, doing my best to take care of Rosie." He explained. 

"Rosie?" The first woman asked. 

"My little girl." He gave a quick explanation, "She's actually here right now."

"Oh really?" The second asked. 

"Yeah. Rosie, mind coming here for a minute?" He asked her. She trotted over with her big fluffy dress swirling around her little legs. 

"Yes, Papa?"

"Come say hi to these nice women." He told her. She smiled and greeted them each with a smile and a wave. 

"How old are you, dear?" The first asked. 

"I'm turning 10 in just a few months." She answered with a small nod.

"Fuck." Bucky muttered, "Steve we should go. It's starting soon. We'll be late." 

"Papa, you're saying bad words again." Rosie told him. 

"Sorry sweetheart. Just worried we'll be late." He told her. 

"We really should be going," Steve told the two women, "It was wonderful meeting you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way, Bucky's description of looking at the depersonalization painting is similar to what I feel when I look at [this](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/b-Yz-ZcHpEs/hqdefault.jpg) picture. It might be different for normal humans. Seeing as I have problems with depersonalization, I might have a different reaction to it than most other people. 
> 
> It isn't the thing Steve actually made, but it's a similar kind of viewer experience. If that makes sense.
> 
> Update: I have gotten a comment about the picture, so view at your own discretion. If you're like me and decide to do everything you're told not to, you can no longer complain to me.


	13. In the City

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the song be Kevin Rudolf which can by found [here](https://youtu.be/H2VRrm41DVY)
> 
> This is pretty much just Bucky's speech. So if you're not interested I will mark the end of the speech with a * so you don't have to read the whole thing.

Bucky stood in front of the mass of people before him. He saw Steve with Rosie over on the side, that was reassuring. He took a deep breath and began. 

"Hello to everyone who has come here today. My name is Bucky Barnes and I'm here to introduce one of my good friends Steve Rogers. Why he picked me to do this, I don't have any idea. I've only known him for a few months and I'm not exactly someone that people find very approachable. But I'm here, and I'm giving it my all. We met when I was angry at the world and decided to take a walk. His dog, Sarah, decided to pounce on me and she ended up knocking me over. We went out for coffee and he showed me some different things he was working on. None, however, are shown here.

"He gave me a quick explaination of each piece on display. Most of which are about his mental state, which breaks my heart. Now I'm no stranger to mental illness. In fact we have a lot of overlap. But the fact that my friend made something that looks so painful that's based on something he feels every day, is so upsetting to me. Even more so when he makes something that looks mundane and boring and he made it because he was in so much distress. I'd give examples, but I don't know if I have permission to do that. 

"Once you talk to him though, you start to notice what a really beautiful person he is. He has such a kind heart and he's so polite. Very much my own opposite. He actually asked me if I would dress like I normally do. For special occasions I normally take out my piercings and cover up my tattoos. But he wanted me to be here as I am, which is when people tend to make fun of me. That could be just me enjoying someone who actually likes my blue hair, but I felt that it should be mentioned. And he is so trusting. I have some serious trust issues, but when you were raised the way I was it's hard not to. He actually let me take him into a women's clothing store and buy him skirts because he told me he wanted to feel pretty. Sadly he isn't wearing one now."

Steve motioned for him to continue. He pointed to his paintings and gave a thumbs up. 

"Well I just got the go ahead from Steve to talk about the pictures. I'll say what I know, but I can't really say much else. _Carter_ is based on his current girlfriend Peggy Carter. She's extremely pretty, but she can also break your arm without flinching. _Pins and Needles_ he made to show his experiences with anxiety, a similar story to _Window Watcher_ which is his depersonalization, as well as _Masks_ , depression. His painting called _Cupid's Arrow_ is inspired by the emotions he felt when a very serious relationship ended. _I Want To Be A Pretty Girl_ is my personal favorite. As I stated before he wants to feel pretty, he did admit to me that the girl shown is, in fact, based on himself and who he wants to be. The final painting I will be speaking of here today is _Family Isn't Blood_. This is one of the more painful ones for to talk about because it is actually me. 

"I am a domestic violence survivor and Steve painted just a few of the scars I have from that. Most are covered up with tattoos now, but the ones shown are not. We are both open to questions all night. And with all that in mind, please go and enjoy the exhibit. Thank you." 

*

He stepped over to the pair. Steve smiled at him. A boy who looked about 15 came up and cleared his throat to get their attention. Bucky turned around. 

"Hi," He said awkwardly, "That was a really great speech. I was just wondering-if it's not too much to ask-I mean if you're okay answering-you don't have to if you don't want-I don't want to make you uncomfortable-" 

"Just say it. Stop stuttering." Rosie scolded him. Bucky snorted. The kid giggled. 

"She's right though." He stood up a little taller. He had to remind himself to stay confident. If he did a good job, he could sell it. He knew he could. 

"You said you had other scars. And, well, uhm," He pulled up his sleeve. A thick, white scar ran up his forearm. It started at the palm of his hand and ended about two inches above his elbow. 

"Looks like you had a fun day when you got that." Bucky said. He didn't even blink. 

"I have one up each arm. Suicide attempt six months ago." He responded. 

"Can't say I have that, but I do have some pretty brutal scaring from Brock. He's my legal brother. But after what he did, he's not my brother." Bucky shook his head. He held out his right arm, "It's harder to see now. But you can feel it." 

"May I?" The boy asked. Bucky nodded. He carefully traced each letter with his fingertips. His face grew sadder and sadder as he went on. 

"He didn't like me much."

"I can tell. When did he do this to you?" 

"Seven years, give or take. The last one anyway. The old ones eight or nine." Bucky shrugged. He pulled his arm back, "And I have scars from the self-harm on the other side. Along with some others from the time Pierce threw a vase at my shoulder."

"Bucky, do you really think Rosie should be hearing all this?" Steve asked. 

"She already knows. She caught me once actually." He shrugged. He remembered crying in the bathroom and hearing the door open. She was five, Bucky nearly eighteen. She asked him why he was bleeding and he explained to her with as much honesty as he could muster without traumatizing her. She gave him a hug and made him sit down so she could help him. She had scraped her knee falling off her bike a couple days ago and remembered what Bucky did to fix her up. She cleaned the cuts even though Bucky told her she didn't need to and picked out the purple band-aid for him. He couldn't have pink because she had the pink, and not the green because green wasn't a princess color and Bucky was the princess. 

"And how did her brother react to that?"

"She went and told him and he insisted I spend the night at his house. I didn't put up much of a fight." Bucky said. He didn't go into detail about how he swallowed him in a hug and peppered his cheek with kisses and refused to leave his side all night. 

The boy smiled and talked some more with Bucky before moving on. As he walked away he held himself a little higher and stood a little bigger. Bucky felt better knowing he made someone else happier. The rest of the night was them answering questions and giving information. As the night died down, Rosie wandered away. Bucky gave her instructions if she got lost, and she went and did her own thing. 

Steve convinced Bucky to follow him. He stayed close enough for Bucky to feel his body heat. He pulled him into a janitors closet. 

"Any particular reason you dragged me in here?" Bucky asked. His answer was Steve pulling him down to kiss him. 

"I missed tasting you." Steve muttered against his mouth, "I missed you too, but your mouth is like drugs. You're going to get me in so much fucking trouble." 

"Steve, think of Peggy. You don't want to hurt her, do you?" Bucky reminded him. As much as he loved his precious Stevie, he didn't want him to regret anything. 

"We're taking a break. I told her I was falling for someone else. And you should really stop wearing jeans that tight if you want me to control myself." Steve whispered to him. His arms were around his neck. 

"Steve, as much as I love kissing you, we should really wait. You can come home with me, we'll be alone. We won't have to worry about people coming in the get a broom and finding us making out after you dedicated a painting to your girlfriend." Bucky told him. Steve held him closer. 

"Then kiss me. You haven't started anything yet. I'm starting to get impatient." He nuzzled. Bucky grabbed his cheeks and brought their lips together. Steve purred and leaned into him. Bucky dared on. Why not? He seemed to be enjoying himself. Bucky dipped his tongue between his lips, making him open his mouth.

Just as Steve let out a quiet moan, Bucky pulled back. He wanted to leave him wanting more. He found he was actually pretty good at that. Leaving people wanting more, that is. 

"We'd better head back. I have to take Rosie home soon, she needs to get to bed. But we can continue this on my couch at home. Or my bed, or my counter. Whatever works for you." Bucky licked a stripe up his neck. He felt Steve squirm under him. He listened outside and opened the door when he didn't hear anything. He pulled Steve out with him and quickly fixed his hair for him. 

And then they went back. Bucky transitioned easily into the questions. He could fire answers out as soon as they were asked. Steve had a harder time, he was obviously distracted. He had to think longer, he fidgeted, he kept glancing at Bucky. He was wrapped around his finger, right where Bucky wanted him to be. 

About an hour later, they went home. Rosie walked sleepily to the car. It was 11 at night and she had a normal sleep schedule, unlike her Papa. When they pulled up to the house, Bucky walked her inside. Steve followed close behind.He saw a note from Dick on the fridge. 

_Emergency. Had to leave. I'll be back asap. For Rosie: Bruce will be by in the morning. You can ask him to call me if I'm not back. Our phone numbers are both written on the back. Ask Miss Josie next door if you can use her phone if you need me before that. Bucky: She can take care of herself. Head home. She will call if she needs something. I'll let you know what's going on soon. <3 Dick_

Bucky set the note down. He'd find out what was wrong soon enough. He helped Rosie get ready for bed and listened to her tired babbling. As he tucked her into bed, he gave her a quick kiss on the forehead. He turned around to see Steve in the doorway. 

"You really love her don't you?" He asked quietly. Bucky nodded and closed the door.

"I really do. But she's out cold. I think we can head back now." He left a gentle kiss on his neck. Steve tilted his head to expose more skin. 

"That sounds like a fantastic idea." He muttered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I just changed the entire direction of what I'm writing. Didn't mean to, it just happened. But now I'm doing something different, so we'll see how this goes.
> 
> Update: I'm writing over the course of a few days, and I just found out that the word added to the dictionary the year Bucky was born (in the MCU canon) was chucklesome and that's one of the most adorable things ever and everyone should know this.


	14. She's Not You*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Some smut ahead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You all know the drill. Chapter from the Elvis song which can be found [here](https://youtu.be/qZQwc0yUZIM)

The entire car ride home Bucky quietly rubbed Steve's thigh, slowly getting higher and higher. He made him whimper a few times. As he got out of the car he made sure Steve stayed ahead of him. When he lost his keys, again, he noticed him eyeing him hungrily. When he found his keys, again, he pressed up against him, pushing him into the door. He wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled him in. 

Steve was shaking all over by the time he got inside. Bucky let himself be dragged to his couch and pushed down. Steve straddled his hips and kissed him. He took Bucky's lip ring in his teeth and tugged. Bucky had his hands on his slender hips, pulling him closer. He pulled back just a little. 

"Before we keep going. You should know that no sex will be happening tonight. We've only known each other for a few months, and if anything is happening between us, it'll happen slow." He clarified. He really didn't want to regret his first time. Steve nodded, nuzzled his nose into his neck before grinding down. 

"How can you be such a damn gentleman and also such a fucking sex God. You're like what Christian Grey was supposed to be, but better." Steve told him. His breathing was heavy and his legs were starting to twitch. He was falling apart at the seams.

"And also broke. And not a rapist." Bucky shrugged. Steve nodded with a smile on his face before kissing him again. 

"And you've been teasing me all night, and I'm starting to get frustrated." He said, grinding down again, looking for any kind of friction, "Please, dear god let me blow you."

"Nope, but I'll tell you what you can do." Bucky muttered into his ear, carefully taking Steve's round, black earring between his teeth. 

"What can I do?" Steve whimpered. He shifted his weight on Bucky's lap. 

"You can lay down, right here if you want. Take off your pants and wait for me to come back." He kissed the sensitive skin behind his ear, "And then you can let me work my magic."

Steve slid off his lap and rested his head on the throw pillow. Bucky stood up and walked into his bedroom. He maneuvered through the piles of dirty clothes he had left on the floor because his laundry car was full until he reached his nightstand. He dug around inside and pulled out a little tube of lube. He quickly hurried back to find Steve with his jeans on the floor along with something lacy and baby blue. He picked it up between his first two fingers. 

"Stevie, were you wearing lace panties all night?" Bucky smirked and watched the blush creep up his face, "I didn't know you were so kinky."

"Well I just-" 

"Do you really think I care?" He settled between his naked legs and whispered into his ear, dropping the fabric back on the floor, "It's actually pretty fucking sexy if you ask me."

He felt Steve shiver underneath him. He nipped at his collarbone and squeezed lube onto his fingers. This wasn't the first time he'd done this, but the last time was a long time ago. Hopefully he had retained some of his skill. He carefully massaged around his tight hole before slowly easing his way in. Steve didn't even seem bothered by it. Granted he'd probably had a lot worse than a finger up there before. He gently added a second finger, which made Steve's back arch as he moaned.

He steadily worked his fingers in and out of his body. Steve hummed with each movement, grinding down to get some more friction. He crooked his fingers differently to find his soft spot. He wanted to turn the hums of pleasure into moans and groans. He wanted Steve to become an actual pillow biter, not just a metaphorical one. He wanted him to have to turn his head and take a mouthful of pillow to keep himself from crying out. 

He hit the spongy bundle of nerves deep inside Steve's body. He let out a breathy, high pitched moan and bit his lip. Bucky abused his prostate as he added a third finger. He pumped in and out and Steve groaned. His thighs shook and he was bucking his hips. 

His hair was a total disaster, his eyes half-lidded with lust. His mouth hung open and he stretched his neck out, urging Bucky to bite and lick the pale expanse of skin. And that's exactly what he did. He bent down again and left a trail of saliva up his throat. He used his free hand to push Steve's sleeve down over his shoulder and latched on. 

He sucked hard on his boney clavicle. He could feel Steve begin to edge closer and closer to his climax. He was slick with sweat and the old woman who likes to walk her cat in the middle of the night must be trying to convince herself he's watching Game of Thrones. He popped off to admire his handiwork, a big purple bruise right over his collarbone. 

"Fuck, Bucky you're good at that." Steve managed to mutter out. 

"Well, I've had a lot of practice." He smirked. He did have a lot of practice, just not recently. 

"I though you said you were a, ah, virgin." Steve was getting breather. His voice had gone up at least an octave. 

"Doesn't mean I don't have any experience." He chuckled into the side of his neck. He twisted his fingers just right for Steve to jerk up and gasp. He reached a second hand down and wrapped it around Steve's throbbing cock. 

He jerked in time with his fingers. Steve was a mess, total putty beneath his fingers. His hips were bucking wildly as he moaned with greater frequency.

Bucky ran a thumbnail gently over the slit, Steve jerked forward. 

"Bucky I think I'm about to-"

"Just a little longer baby doll. I know you can hold out a little longer for me." What the hell was he saying? He had no idea where his words were coming from or how he was saying them with such sincerity. Where did he get the idea of baby doll? 

"I'll try, daddy." Steve muttered. Why was Bucky enjoying this? Why did Steve bring it up in the first place? His entire brain was screaming at the strange circumstances it had found itself in, but everything else was happy to get with the program.

He quickened the pace and Steve was panting. His hips were beginning to lift off the couch cushions to meet with his shallow thrusts. 

"You're doing such a good job, baby doll. I'm so proud of you." Bucky decided to just roll with it. No way he was going to stop and ask about it, that could wait. 

"Can I please cum, daddy?" Steve begged. His breath was ragged. 

"Only because you were such a good girl." Bucky kissed him behind his ear again. Steve came hard in his hands. He spurted everywhere in thick ropes. If his shirt hadn't ridden up in the process, it would have been stained many times over. Bucky continued to work him until the spasms stopped and he gently pulled his fingers out. 

He walked over to the kitchen to wet a washcloth, wiping his fingers as he brought it back out. He eased himself down and started to clean off Steve's stomach. His chest rose and fell as he breathed. Bucky picked him up and carried him to the bed. He handed Steve a pair of sweatpants and an old t-shirt to put on while he changed his clothes. 

"Mind if I ask why you called me baby doll?" Steve asked as Bucky climbed in next to him. 

"Only if I can ask you why you called me daddy." Bucky replied. 

"I don't have any idea. I wasn't really thinking and it just kind of slipped out. You seemed pretty okay with it though." Steve said, turning over to look at him. 

"My brain was kind of screaming at me because it was weird and confusing, but everything else was pretty cool with it. As to why I called you baby doll, I have to give the same answer you did." Bucky responded. He pulled the blankets up around them and settled in. 

"Guess we're both a little weird." Steve smiled at him. 

"You have to admit it's a pretty fitting name though." 

"The hell does that mean?" Steve countered, but still grinned. 

"It means you're just like a little baby. You've got the big blue eyes, and the fuzzy hair, and you can even fit in my arms." Bucky put an arm around his waist and pulled him in tighter. Steve sighed and nuzzled his head in Bucky's chest. 

Bucky ran his fingers through Steve's soft hair, smiling to himself because he finally had exactly what he wanted. He had Steve snoring away curled up next to him. He was warm and his hair smelled like lemony shampoo.

He slowly drifted to sleep. He didn't dream most nights, but tonight Steve invaded even them. And as his eyes cracked open the next morning, the first thought to cross through his mind was

_I am so fucked._

Luckily Steve hadn't woken up yet, which meant Bucky could get up without him noticing. He gave him a quick kiss on top of his head and climbed out of bed. He gathered up Steve's clothes that he was wearing last night and put them in the wash. Hopefully he wasn't allergic to certain detergents like Bucky was. He emptied the pockets of his jeans, a wallet, a phone, keys, and an inhaler. He said everything on the counter in the kitchen, very careful with the inhaler. He wasn't quite sure how it worked beyond just pushing the top and he didn't want to break anything important.

He dug around in his cupboards for something he could make for breakfast. He really tried to cook at least one meal a day, mostly for his own mental health. He needed to have a reason to get out of bed every day. 

He settled on pancakes and bacon and crossed his fingers that Steve wasn't on some special diet or something. Not anything super fancy, but he knew it would taste good. 

"You're up early." Steve said. His voice was tired and gravelly. He climbed on the counter and sat. 

"It's like 11, but sure. Also, your clothes are in the laundry and all your stuff is over there," He gestured over to where he set his stuff down, "I was super careful with your inhaler, so I don't think I broke it. Knowing me I probably still did."

"You put yourself down too much." Steve pulled his face in to kiss him. 

"It's hard to see a lot of good points." Bucky said quietly, mostly to himself. 

"Then I'll help." Steve smiled, "You have the warmest brown eyes. And your hair is so fluffy. You're not afraid to show yourself off, even though people tend to steer clear because of it. You're simultaneously the baddest ass I've ever known, and the sweetest. From smell alone, you can cook really well. And less important, but still noteworthy, you have some talent in those fingers of yours."

"You're cute." Bucky laughed and filled a plate up with food for Steve. He handed it to him and urged him to sit at the table before serving himself and following. They talked about silly little things while they ate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally this was a blow job. But then I discovered I hate writing blow jobs. So now Steve's getting fingered. And he has an accidental daddy kink. All kinds of fun things today, kids!
> 
> And I meant to get this up on Wednesday, but obviously that didn't happen. So start expecting updates on Wednesday, but don't be surprised if I'm late. 
> 
> If I don't point this out, I'm gonna get so much shit. I know Sebastian has blue eyes. Comic Bucky has brown. So Buck has fucking brown eyes now.


	15. A Message To Everyone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is not an actual story update. Originally this was going to be at the end of the next chapter that's going up, but I felt that it needed it's own section. Remember that this is me talking to you, and I am not trying to target anyone. This is something that I want to discuss with all of you. 
> 
> I don't care if you don't end up reading, but I want it out there. Stay strong everyone.

I kind of feel like I'm just jumping on a bandwagon, but I promise I'm not.

To everyone in Orlando, my heart goes out to you. The tragedy that you have faced is unbelievable. 

For anyone who does not know about this, Omar Mateen shot and killed 49 people as of June 13, 2016 leaving over 50 more injured at a gay bar called Pulse in Orlando, Florida. Police killed Mateen on the scene and rescued hostages. This heartbreaking event has been labeled a hate crime, the deadliest mass shooting is the USA, and the worst terrorist attack since 9/11. 

Read the full story from CNN [here](http://www.cnn.com/2016/06/12/us/orlando-nightclub-shooting/)

A list of the deceased ranging from 18 to 50 can be found CNN [here](http://www.cityoforlando.net/blog/victims/)

And you can read about those victims [here.](http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/pulse-orlando-nightclub-shooting/victims/os-pulse-nightclub-orlando-shooting-victims-htmlstory.html) I can tell you, reading about just one victim was devastating. Miss Akyra Murray, an 18 year old had just graduated third in her class and was off to play college basketball. While vacationing in Orlando with her friend she was sadly gunned down. 

I wish I could do more than just this, but I will happily provide resources for anyone who wishes to contribute. Anyone in or near Orlando can donate blood. Currently they are in need of rarer blood types, O-, O+, and AB plasma are specified. However, I'm sure that anything helps them. For everyone else, there is a [GoFundMe](https://www.gofundme.com/PulseVictimsFund) page with a current goal of 5 million dollars. 

I'm going to quote Markiplier here and say that we all need to be kind to each other. We need to be here for each other always, but especially in times as devastating as this. If any of my readers, even just one, has been affected by this horrible occurrence, you are not alone. I'm sure it's difficult for you right now, but you have to stay strong. I don't want to speak for anyone, but I know that I am here to support you. I'm sure there's someone else reading this that does too. 

I know this is long but I feel that it's needed given the circumstances. It makes me feel sick to my stomach to think about, especially being a member of the LGBT+ community in three different circles. Stay safe everyone. 

You're all important to someone.


	16. Basket Case

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the Green Day song of the same name found [here](https://youtu.be/NUTGr5t3MoY)
> 
> Trigger warning for witnessing a panic attack. You have been warned. There is some plot happening during the attack which I will mark with a * and the end of the attack I will put a ** so that everyone is comfortable reading it. The plot parts are not 100% needed to understand the story, so if you are unsure please skip over it. I'd much rather give you the information directly than have you triggered.
> 
> Moar AHS! Wow. I am AHS trash I'm beginning to realize.

Bucky was listening to Steve talk about the symbolism used in the Force Awakens while he cleaned up breakfast. He came in with an interjection or two on occasion, but stayed mostly silent. 

Steve's speech was starting to break up, and his breathing got heavier. Bucky set down the plate he was holding and turned around. He knelt down in front of him, grabbing the inhaler on the way over. 

"Hey, Stevie, are you doing okay?" Bucky asked. Steve shook his head. 

"F-far from it." He stuttered. His words were starting to slur together, as if his tongue was going numb. 

"Can you tell me what's wrong?" Bucky did his best to stay calm. It wouldn't help if he panicked too. 

"Attack." Steve was shaking. Buck held his hands to try and steady them. 

"What do you need me to do to help you?" He tried to keep to own breathing under control. 

"Focus."

"Okay. Can you tell me what your name is?" Bucky started. He figured he'd do what he did to help himself when he had attacks. 

"My name is Steve." He huffed out. His breathing was shallow and uneven. Bucky could feel in his pulse on his wrist fluttering like a hummingbird. Patchy, fast, small, barely there at all. 

"That's wonderful. Can you tell me what your full name is?" Bucky smiled and encouraged him to continue. 

"My name is Steven Grant Rogers. You-are James Buchanan Barnes. I-I call you Bucky." He panted out. His palms were sweaty, the tremors were traveling through his whole body now. 

"You are doing amazing, Steve. I'm so proud of you. Now do you think you could tell me your birthday? I'm just trying to help you focus. That's all I'm doing, I promise." Bucky kept hold of his small hands. 

"I don't know. I can't breathe. I'm suffocating." Tears were starting to well in his eyes. 

"You're okay, it'll be okay. I know it's scary, but it can't hurt you. It's hard, but think about you're breathing. Just a little at a time." Bucky urged him on. He put a hand against his cheek. His skin was hot and slick with sweat. Steve's face scrunched up in concentration, but his breathing evened out, though still too shallow for comfort. 

Bucky praised him again and Steve opened his mouth. 

*

"I was born on July 4th in 1993. Dad died before I was born. My mom was Irish. She taught me Gaelic before English. I went to speech therapy because the other kids couldn't understand me. They picked on me. Mom was a nurse. Her boyfriend got her pregnant. I came out. I made them break up. The baby was stillborn. She caught TB. She died when I was 18. I got a puppy and named her Sarah, like Mom. " He spewed out slowly at first, but started gaining speed. He was breathing better now, still not good, but better. 

"You're doing great, Steve. Keep talking." He urged on. His goal was to get his calm, but he was a little interested too. 

"I met Jayden. We dated for 8 months. He proposed on my 19th birthday. There were fireworks. I said yes. We moved in together. I studied art. He studied engineering. We shared a public speaking class. I was having coffee with Clint. He told me about Laura. I came home earlier than normal." His breathing had gone back to normal, mostly. It was still shaky, and nothing else was fixed. 

Bucky had a feeling he knew what was coming up. So far his whole story had shattered his heart, how could Steve say this without breaking down. 

"I went into my room. Jayden was on the bed. He was having sex with our speech professor. He tried to explain. I didn't listen. I kicked them out of the house. I sat in a corner and cried. I was an idiot. I wanted to fix it. It took six more months to call off the wedding. I moved out. I met Peggy. Hulk tried to choke me. I took Sarah for a walk. I met you. I fell for you. I'm scared you'll abandoned me." The shaking continued. Bucky just stroked his cheek to let him know he was here. 

"Are you feeling better?" Bucky asked. He didn't want Steve hurting. 

"Still not good." He shook his head, "Help. I feel like I'm dying."

"You're not. I promise you're not. Try raising your arms." Bucky instructed gently. Steve listened. Bucky had him put his arms back down, then lift them again. He continued until he managed to calm down. 

**

He wrapped his arms around Bucky's neck and panted on his shoulder. Bucky stroked the back of his head lovingly. Steve reached for his inhaler. He sat back and stuck the end in his mouth. He pushed the top down and set it back on the table behind him. 

"You okay now?" He asked with a small smile on his face. 

"Yeah. Thank you so much. The only other person I know that can handle a panic attack is Tony, and he's no help whatsoever. I didn't mean to recite my entire life story to you though." He said. He took deep breaths to make up for the lack of air that made it to his lungs. 

"It's okay. But I want you to know that you're not an idiot. He's the idiot. He's the one that gave you up." Bucky smiled and pulled his into another hug, "And you know Irish?" 

"It's actually my first language. Mom was very adamant that we weren't allowed to let it die out. I only spoke English outside the house. I haven't said anything worthwhile since Mom died though." He gave a small shrug. He shifted his body weight in his chair.

"Tired?"

"A little, yeah." Steve smiled and Bucky gave a little giggle and picked him up. He carried him to the couch and gently put him down. He nuzzled in next to him. Steve hummed and snuggled up to his chest. 

"Have you said anything at all in Irish? You seem like you miss it." Bucky asked him.

"I trained Sarah in Irish, and a little in English too. She does better with the Irish though. That's about it. I miss it a lot." He gave a small shrug. 

"You should tell me something." Bucky told him. Steve let out a breath of a laugh and agreed.

"Is breá liom thú. Tá tú foirfe. Ní féidir liom a thuiscint cén fáth nach bhfeiceann tú sin." He said, biting his lip.

"You're not allowed to bite your lips anymore if I cant bit my lip ring." Bucky scolded him, "And that was one of the prettiest languages I've heard that also sounds like simlish. I kind of want to learn it too, but I'm already struggling to keep my languages straight. The other day I tried to give this lady directions, but I told her in Russian and corrected myself in Romanian. I had to actually take time to think about what language I was speaking."

Steve giggled and begun to relax into him. Bucky's phone started ringing, making them both groan. He reached over and answered it, still worried about his little girl. 

"Hi, Papa." Rosie answered. It was odd, since he didn't know the number. 

"Hey Röschen. Everything okay?" He asked her. Stevie kept his arms around his chest. 

"I don't know. Bruce just told me that he was bringing me to see Dick at the hospital. I got scared so I called you." She explained briefly. 

"Dick's at the hospital?" Bucky couldn't believe it. His friend had always been a little stupid when it came to stunts, but he always came out on top. 

"Bruce says he's okay. But he won't tell me anything else." She said. 

"Alright. I'm sure everything is going to be fine. But I'm always here in case you need me. I promise." He told her with as much sincerity as he could manage. 

"Okay. Bruce says he really needs his phone back, so I gotta go. Bye." She said. 

"Bye bye." Bucky answered. He let his head roll back. He didn't know what to do. What was wrong? What could possibly be happening? He filled Steve in and let him know they might have to leave at a moments notice.

"Do you think we could go see Mom? I miss her." Steve asked. 

"Of course we can. Do you want to stop by your house to some fresh clothes?" He combed his fingers through his hair. Steve nodded. Bucky handed him his things and they headed out. Steve ran inside, and came back out with a short skirt and black socks just covering his knees. About an inch and a half of skin peeked between the two and Bucky wanted so badly to bite down and suck bruises into the small bit of exposed thigh. He had a black and gray striped sweater tucked into his skirt and gray Converse. 

"You look so pretty." Bucky smiled at him. Steve giggled and blushed, "You ready to go?" 

"I'm ready. Do you think we could pick up some flowers on the way?" Steve shifted in his seat. Bucky knew this was the wrong time to watch the skirt flowing around his legs, riding up just a bit. He just couldn't help himself.

"Any that you have in mind?" Bucky asked, trying his hardest not to stare for too long at his legs. 

"Pink camellias. Those were her favorite." He smiled to himself. Bucky nodded and bought a big bouquet of flowers. As they neared the cemetery, Steve slipped his hand into Bucky's. He led him past elaborately decorated gravestones until he stopped at a simple, flat stone in the ground. Engraved on it was _Sarah Elizabeth Rogers 1974-2011_

Bucky could feel his heart beginning to crack at the thought that this woman wasn't even 40 when she died. After some quick math in his head, she gave birth to Steve when she was 19. Steve knelt down in front of the little grave marker. Bucky soon followed. 

"Hi, Mom." He said quietly, "I still have no idea why I still talk to you when I don't think you can hear me. I feel like I'm talking to a rock, but it makes me feel better. I brought Bucky with me today. I think you'd like him a lot. He killed a cactus, just like you did when I was little. And I learned how to be pretty, finally. I actually managed to do it without making a mess of your makeup in the bathroom this time."

Bucky simply listened to him talk. He was just updating her about how life was treating him. He rested his head on Steve's shoulder, feeling a wave of affection wash over him. He felt warm and fuzzy inside. If he could just do this forever, he would be the happiest man on the planet. He heard a couple walking by talking about them. How disgusting. How dare they do such things in a public place. They deserved to be punished. And even worse, one of them is wearing a skirt. 

Bucky felt his stomach tie itself in knots and he carefully moved away from Steve, leaving a few inches of space between them. 

"Sorry for what I'm about to do, but Bucky's listening to stupid comments again." Steve turned around and flipped them off. They both gasped and Steve turned back around. He moved so that he was sitting firmly in Bucky's lap. He laced their fingers together and wrapped his hands around his waist. Bucky began tracing the hem of Steve's socks with his finger tips. 

If only they were at home right now. Bucky would trail his fingers up and up, higher and higher, until he hit the lace fabric he'd found himself hoping for. Steve would have his head thrown back on Bucky's shoulder, leaving him open for bites and nips. His fingers would be threaded through Bucky's hair. 

He snapped himself out of such thoughts. Those were not okay to be having while you're at a cemetery. After a few minutes, they decided they should go. They stood up and Bucky made sure he followed behind Steve. The things that those stupid socks were doing to him were sinful. Once they got back to the car, Bucky couldn't help but wrap his arms around his waist and rest his chin on his shoulder. 

"I'm torn between wanting you to wear these always, or never wanting to see them again." Bucky told him. 

"And why is that?" Steve nuzzled back. 

"They're all I could think about since I saw them on you. They're absolutely gorgeous." Bucky couldn't stop himself from rubbing the backs of his thighs. 

"Good. I bought them with you in mind." Steve smiled. Bucky's breath hitched. He was so tempted to just push him into the backseat and pound into him until he couldn't see straight, but he held back. But he was definitely keeping this in mind for future use. Bucky let his fingers trail up the underside of the skirt. He found the edge of the lace and gave it a light snap before pulling away. 

"Get in the car you kinky bitch." Bucky laughed and gave his ear a little nip. Steve listened, but as soon as Bucky got settled he leaned over. 

"You wanna know what color they are?" Steve giggled. Bucky purred and nodded. 

"What color are baby's panties going to be today?" Bucky asked. Steve left light kisses over his neck, "I better feel them to see if I can tell."

"Smooth." Steve scoffed. 

"But did it work?"

"A little." He shrugged. Bucky chuckled and ran his hands back up Steve's skirt. He explored every crevice he could manage to reach in their awkward position. 

"Black?" Bucky asked. He wanted so badly to see the stark contrast between pale skin and dark clothes. Steve shook his head, "Damn, I was hoping for that. Pink?" 

"Nope." Steve said and moved to whisper in his ear, "Red."

Bucky felt himself shiver. He roughly kissed him on the mouth, slurping up his tongue like a dog. Steve bit down on his lip ring and lightly tugged. Bucky's hands tightened on his hips. By the time they finally pulled away, both had swollen lips and messy hair. 

"You wanna go get coffee? Just while we're out?" Bucky asked. Steve nodded. 

He prayed that Steve would wear those pretty socks all the time now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:  
> Is breá liom thú- I really like you.  
> Tá tú foirfe- You're perfect.  
> Ní féidir liom a thuiscint cén fáth nach bhfeiceann tú sin- I don't understand why you don't see that
> 
> Know that is all from Google Translate, so if there is an error, then please let me know.
> 
> And finally, some news for all of you, I have made a Spotify playlist of what I listen to while I write. Mostly for my own convenience because YouTube is absolute crap when you have to write on your phone (which I do sometimes). But I figured, why the hell not let you guys know about it. So if you want me to, I can link to it in the next chapter. 
> 
> I hope you all have a wonderful and beautiful day ^w^


	17. Jealous Guy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the song by our lord and savior John Lennon with can be found [here](https://youtu.be/KdDbFA78TyY)
> 
> Also, I was debating on whether or not to use [Cake](https://youtu.be/0s77yLAG8a8) by Melanie Martinez instead. In the end I settled on Jealous Guy, but Cake could be considered Steve's point of view I guess.

Steve fixed his hair in the car mirror to try and hide the his little adventure from the rest of the world. They walked inside and Bucky left him to go buy their drinks. He paid for everything and started heading back. There was a man talking with Steve. Bucky stopped to listen, not to invade his privacy, but to see if he needed to step in or not.

"It's my fault, and I'm sorry. I miss you." The man told him. Steve was stif and rigid. 

"Well I don't. And I'd really appreciate it if you just left." Steve shook his head. 

"Please, I tried to call you so many times after you left. They never went through." He seemed really upset. 

"Maybe because I blocked your number. I don't want you here." Steve was getting progressively angrier. Bucky decided that he needed to make whoever this guy was leave and not come back. He was making Steve mad, and then it was only a matter of time before he started swearing like a sailor that stubbed his toe. Bucky stepped behind Steve with a smile. He handed him his coffee and out an arm around his waist.

The man looked hurt when he saw Bucky. His green eyes were wide and round and looked on the brink of tears. Steve curled into Bucky's arms. Bucky kissed his cheek. 

"Hey baby girl, who's this?" Bucky asked. 

"No one important." Steve said.

"I take it you're Bucky." The man said. 

"That I am." He shook his hand and chewed his lip ring. Steve elbowed him lightly. 

"I can hear you doing that." He scolded. Bucky pouted. 

"You're much different than what I thought of when Steve told me about you." He said. 

"Most people hear my name and think I'm some kind of redneck that lives in a junkyard or some shit. But my real name is so stupidly sophisticated that it doesn't really fit with many people that aren't royalty. So I go by Bucky instead." He explained briefly.

"It's just that you don't look like someone that Steve would really want to be around." He said, "I'm Jayden,by the way."

"Oh, hi. Steve told me a bit about you, not a lot and not much that was positive. I think he's kind of bitter. But he also has a right to be. Sorry, I'm being extremely negative tight now, I really don't mean to be." Bucky was mainly talking to himself by the end. Suddenly he could feel eyes all over him, staring, never looking away. Every glance in his direction became someone disgusted with him. Every laugh became directed towards him. He could feel himself shaking all over and all he wanted to do was hide under the blankets at home and sob. Steve laced their fingers together and cooed at him. 

"You're okay. No one is staring. And even if they are, what's the worst thing they could see? They'll see that you have someone that makes you happy, and that we're all having a conversation together in a civilized manner." Steve tried to comfort him. 

"Or they'll see a stupid, dumb, attention whore with his-"

"You are none of those things." Steve scolded him. Their voices were both getting quieter to keep anyone from hearing, "Let's go outside. You'll feel better outside."

Bucky clutched his hand tightly and followed him outside. Jayden asked them a thousand questions which Steve answered curtly and blankly. Bucky had to take deep breaths once they got outside. There weren't as many people there and he felt able to move around again. He let go of his hand to grip the metal railing in front of him. 

"He's okay, right?" Jayden asked Steve. 

"He'll get over it. He has some pretty awful social anxiety. I think it's because he's been through more than I could even imagine." Steve said. Bucky heard footsteps and looked to his left to see Jayden standing next to him. He was actually really pretty. His skin was warm and coppery. His dark hair was styled up and back, looking effortless. He looked like he came out of a machine. It was no wonder Steve had fallen in love.

"Everything alright? Steve says you have some anxiety problems." He tilted his head. Bucky chuckled under his breath.

"Yeah some. But with history like mine, there's no such thing as getting out unscathed." Bucky focused on breathing, taking small sips at his coffee.

"Well, I'm sure there's been worse, if that makes you feel any better." He nudged him.

"I was one of those people that you talk about when you say some have it worse." 

"That can't be true." Jayden was trying his hardest to be helpful, but it really didn't work.

"Have you ever been treated like a dog? Not figuratively, literally." Bucky asked him, Jayden shook his head, "I have. If I told anyone what was happening, I got muzzled. I even had a collar. He'd tie me up and I had to crawl everywhere and listen to all the commands. He made me eat and drink out of bowls, if I was allowed to eat at all." 

"Oh my god." His jaw dropped, "Why would anyone do something like that to someone?"

"Because I'm gay." Bucky said. His phone rang in his pocket. He immediately dug it out and answered it, not bothering to check who was calling. 

"Hi, Papa." It was Rosie, "Dick told me what was going on. Apparently, Mom and Dad got in a really bad car crash and they're in the hospital. Dick's staying in the hospital overnight and he doesn't want me to. So he was wondering if I could spend the night at your house tonight." 

"Of course sweetheart. I can leave to go get you in just a few minutes. I have Steve with me."

"Can he come?" Rosie asked.

"Sure. Tell him to send me the address and I'll be there as soon as I can." He told her. No wonder Dick was gone last night. Bucky sobered himself as fast as he could and explained the situation to Steve. He gave a quick explanation to Jayden and hurried off. He looked at the address, figured out where he was going, and handed the phone to Steve. 

"She's probably scared, just talk to her. I don't care what about." He told him. Steve held the phone to his ear and calmly started talking to her about what they were going to do whith her. She wanted to have a big slumber party and watch movies all night, with popcorn, and candy, and ice cream. They had to hold off to see if she was going to school tomorrow. 

The hospital was a big brown building with sliding doors. They walked inside to see a fountain that displayed naked people drinking the water from their cupped hands. The floor was covered in a patterned carpet and the walls were warm and light. There was a miniature model of the parking lot in a glass case. A woman sat at a long, wooden desk tapping away at her keyboard with her claw-like acrylic nails. Her auburn hair was loosely curled and her dark roots were showing. Bucky asked her where the room number he was looking for might be. She was wearing way too much makeup and Bucky could see her lip gloss making her lips stick together as she talked. She flashed a smile and pointed down one of the hallways behind big swinging doors located around the lobby. She gave them some quick directions and went back to her incessant typing. What could she possibly be doing that required that much typing?

Steve slipped his hand into Bucky's and walked with him down the hall. The appearance of the building changed drastically. White linoleum tiles covered the floor. White walls and white ceilings. The only thing to break up the color was the light, minty blue wainscoting. They passed doors, some open, some closed. Some full of balloons and flowers and people laughing and telling jokes, others with a single patient, alone, hooked up an IV. They entered a waiting area full of chairs. The walls were lined with comfortable, fabric lined chairs while the middle of the room was full of plastic molded chairs. Almost all were empty. 

Rosie sat at a table in the corner that was surrounded by toys that had seen betters days. She had a pack of markers with her and a pad of paper. She had a bag next to one of the bigger chairs, probably full of things for her to do while she waited. 

"Hey, Squirt. How're you doing?" Bucky asked. Her smile grew wide and and she hugged him around the waist. 

"I'm doing okay. Do you think we could go to my house so I can get my things?" She asked. Bucky nodded. 

"Sure. What're you drawing?" He asked, looking at the piece of paper. 

"I'm drawing Alice in Wonderland." She explained. 

"Can I guess who everyone is?" He sat down next to her. She nodded. There was a blonde girl in a blue dress, a man with a crazy hat, a rabbit with a pocket watch, a striped cat, and a girl dressed in all red, "That one's Alice. And that has to the Mad Hatter. The White Rabbit has the watch, and this is the Queen of Hearts. Right?" 

"Good job. Did you ask if I had to go to school tomorrow?" She was starting to pack up her things in her bag. 

"I did. And you're totally free until at least Tuesday. Which means that we can have a slumber party." He told her. She cheered and they walked out to the car together. 

"You look really pretty with your socks and your skirt on, Steve. Do you ever wear high heels with them?" Rosie asked, swinging her legs in the backseat of the car. 

"I haven't ever tried it. Maybe I should. Any ideas?" Steve adjusted his skirt to let Bucky see just a hint of his skin. 

"You should wear big red ones with bows on them." Rosie said. Bucky ended up choking on his own spit at the suggestion. All he could picture was Stevie all dressed up for him, all red, and black, and lace, and corsets, and bows. He looked over to see Steve with a little smirk on his face. 

"I'll have to keep that in mind. And I should probably go check on Sarah." Steve thought to himself. 

"Let's just bring her with. She's sweet, I'm sure Rosie would love her." Bucky suggested, still trying to compose himself. Steve shrugged and agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> About half-way through writing this, my dog decided that he need to be pet. He needed pets. And I didn't want to stop writing, so I got to type with my left hand. Because of doggo's needs, please excuse any mistakes that may have been made.
> 
> And the high heel idea actually came from RikasGrayWolf. I can't actually remember where she suggested it on, because she's read pretty much everything I've written. But she's awesome, and I love hearing her suggestions. And I forgot to answer her question, so I'm doing it here instead. Yes dating sucks for me. People in general such for me.


	18. Popular

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so everyone knows, I have currently dyed my hair a total of six different colors (not including touch ups). Five of which used bleach, and four have been done at home. I have also straight up bleached my hair (which I hated and will never do again.)My sister has also dyed her hair three "colors". She like multicolored hair. So I like to think I know the process pretty well. However, I am not a hair technician or a hair dye expert or anything. So all of this is my own personal preference with the experience that I've had. 
> 
> Now that the disclaimer is over, enjoy the long awaited story.
> 
> (Links to all the songs mentioned as well as just a bit of context will be at the end. And a quick heads up for some bad anxiety as well as implied suicide attempt.)

Rosie stared up at the rainbow of colors before her. Shelf after shelf of dye stared down at her, Bucky pointed to what brands worked best and explained what colors faded to what. She'd managed to convince Dick to let her dye her hair and she begged Bucky to do it for her. Steve sat back and watched, his precious legs practically begging to get bitten. Rosie pointed to a dark pink color and a purple. 

"Rosie, you can't do two colors." Bucky told her. 

"No, the purple is for the next time you dye your hair." She explained. Bucky laughed to himself and picked them both up. He explained to her that it would take a long time to wait for the bleach to work, and it might feel funny, and she would need to wait for the dye to work. He paid for the dye, and stopped into a hardware store to buy some more gloves. 

"They had some of those at the other place, Buck." Steve told him. 

"These are cheaper, and more durable." Bucky tapped his nose with the back of the comb. He was working on separating a decent chuck of hair out from the rest and pinning the rest back. Steve had changed into even sexier clothes if that was possible. He had on one of Bucky's t-shirts with a pair of pajama shorts that were so short they were entirely covered by the shirt decorated by the smiling yellow face of Nirvana. Bucky worked on opening his back door and setting up a fan. He handed his phone to Rosie to let her pick out some music. She picked the playlist of Broadway musicals, he rolled his eyes.

Bucky started painting the bleach into the hair he had separated out from the rest. He hummed along to the music as Steve sat on the counter and watched. The room smelled like chemicals. It changed to Honey Honey and Steve busted out in song. Bucky took a pause in his work to give him a quick kiss. 

"Papa, you can make out with your boyfriend later. I don't want my head to hurt like you told me." Rosie complained. 

"I can make out with my little Stevie all I want." Bucky stuck his tongue out at her and gave him another kiss. Steve was blushing, and also grinning widely at the comment. He gently pushed Bucky back to his work. He managed to finish quickly and they ended up dancing around to Hairspray and Wicked while Rose waited for her hair to lighten. 

Without Love came blasting through the speakers, the sweet voice of Zac Efron filling their home. Steve's eyes lit up and Bucky took that as a cue to start singing along. He declared his love to "Tracy", stating that he'll stay with her "no matter what you weigh". Steve laughed and sang the chorus along with Rosie. He took the part of Penny, and sang back to Bucky. The three sang and danced together and when the song ended Steve pulled his face down to meet them in a kiss. 

"You make a very good Link." He smiled up at him. 

"Your Penny could use a little work," Bucky sighed, "I'm kidding."

He pecked his lips one more time and heard Rosie giggling. He glared at her playfully and pulled Steve into a tight hug. 

"He's my baby girl, you've gotta find your own." He stuck his tongue out at her. She crossed her arms. 

"I thought I was your baby girl." She accused. 

"Guess I have two then." He shrugged. They continued working, washing, drying, dyeing, waiting. They were up for an hour and a half waiting and listening to Steve sing. He seemed to know Hairspray and Wicked best. Popular ended up playing and he sang the entire thing without pauses. Bucky was impressed, he didn't feel like he shouldbe, but he was. 

When they finally finished, Rosie had a streak of pink in her dark hair. They all decided to head to bed. But Steve ended up rolling over to face Bucky and asked if he could talk about something. He nodded and waited for him to start talking.

"I've been thinking a lot about things, gender specifically, and I'm not sure I'm a boy. I like acting like a girl a lot more, and I feel much more comfortable when you call me a girl, but I don't know if I'm not a boy either. Basically I don't know where I fit in and I really need some help." Steve explained the best he could. Bucky sat up and turned on the lamp he had next to his bed. He pulled Steve into his lap and picked up a pad of paper and a marker. He drew a triangle with a dot in the center connected to the corners. In the bottom two corners he drew the symbols for boy and girl and at the top corner he made a swirl. 

"Okay, this is the triangle of gender. This is boy, girl, up at the top is gender fluid, and in the middle is nonbinary. What you do is put a mark where you think you are. I'm about here," He picked up a different colored marker and put a dot on the nonbinary line in the boy corner, "So where do you feel like you go?" 

Steve marked a spot almost touching the bottom of the triangle and almost exactly halfway between the girl and boy. 

"Looking at this, you are very obviously not entirely boy, but not all girl either. And you aren't nonbinary. Now do you feel like a boy and a girl at the same time, or just a mix of the two?"

"A mix." Steve answered almost immediately. 

"I think that qualifies you as demi. Whether demigirl or demiboy, I don't know. I could be wrong, but it's really up to you what you decide you what to be called." Bucky told him. Steve nodded. 

"That was surprisingly helpful. But we should probably go to bed." Steve told him. 

~*~

Bucky woke up to the door creaking open and Rosie carefully walking in. He looked at his phone to check the time, blinding himself for a few seconds. It was 2 in the morning. He yawned and asked what she was doing up. 

"I had a nightmare and got scared to be by myself." She explained in a whisper. Bucky waved her over and made room for her in bed. 

"Want me to read you a story?" He asked her, voice rough and ragged from sleep. Rosie nodded and curled into his chest. Steve groaned a little and cracked his eyes open. He nuzzled his nose in Bucky's neck and listening in. 

"Look at this, I have my two baby girls with me to listen to a bedtime story." He smiled to himself and pulled up a storybook on his phone, "Either of you have any requests?" 

Steve shook his head and Rosie asking for Cinderella. Bucky chuckled and began to read the rather gruesome original fairy tale. 

"A rich man's wife became sick, and when she felt that her end was drawing near, she called her only daughter to her bedside and said, 'Dear child, remain pious and good, and then our dear God will always protect you, and I will look down on you from heaven and be near you.' With this she closed her eyes and died.  
The girl went out to her mother's grave every day and wept, and she remained pious and good. When winter came the snow spread a white cloth over the grave, and when the spring sun had removed it again, the man took himself another wife." He read off. He read about the beautiful stepsisters with dark, cold hearts and how they forced the daughter to be their kitchen maid. They took away all her clothes and shoes and mocked her for sleeping in the ashes to keep warm. 

He described the fathers journey to the fair and Cinderella's request to give her the first tree branch his hat hits. He explained how she raised a tree for her mother and the invitation to the ball. He told them of the stepmother's request for her to pick out lentils from the ashes so she could go to the ball. He read to them how she disguised herself from her family and met the handsome Prince. When she tried to run away, he smeared the stairs with tar to keep her from leaving, and instead it only left her shoe. 

Steve snuggled in deeper as he went on to tell about the stepsisters hacking away at their feet to fit into the slipper. At the wedding two birds flew down and pecked out the eyes of the sisters, forcing them to live the rest of their lives as blind beggars. 

Bucky pulls them both closer and sings Disney songs in their original language. Beauty and the Beast in French, Snow White in German, Frozen in Russian because he didn't know Norwegian. Soon both were back sound asleep. But Bucky had a bit more trouble. 

He was just drifting off to sleep when he suddenly felt a wave of anxiety wash over him. His heart pounced in his ears and he struggled to keep his breathing smooth and relaxed. He expected to see Pierce opening the door to his room and pulling him out by the hair. He did everything he knew would help, he reminded himself it wasn't real, he explained to himself what he saw, heard, and felt in this moment, not the one he remembered. He tried to name an animal for every letter in the alphabet. 

Eventually, he managed to get it under control. He was flooded with tranquility and, moments later, nausea. He luckily kept the contents of his stomach where they belonged, but he couldn't stop the horrible thoughts from worming their way through his head. He felt like he was on autopilot as he went to the bathroom and picked up an old bottle of pills.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The albums are the movies versions because they're easier to find. Wicked doesn't have a movie, so it's just the Broadway version. 
> 
> [Honey Honey](https://youtu.be/XpX7LUQ-4JM) (Mamma Mia)- Sophie finds her mom's diary about three men she dated all around the same time. 
> 
> [Without Love](https://youtu.be/4zZ1ZLWPJBQ) (Hairspray)- Link is the coolest kid in school and he sings about his crush on the much less popular, overweight Tracy. Penny is raised in a very straight and narrow home and falls in love with Seaweed, a black man. Note this takes place in the 60s and race is a big deal. 
> 
> [Popular](https://youtu.be/y_uM8bUnlGQ) (Wicked)- Galinda wants to make Elphaba fit in, so she gives her a makeover. Easily the best song to ever song. (And the name of the chapter). 
> 
> And does anyone know any animals that start with the letters U or X? I use the same trick Bucky does and I have yet to think of one. And yay, I'm back with my ridiculously long notes! There's some new stuff coming on the way so if you're interested keep an eye out ;)


	19. Hey Jude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Suicide attempts (major), depression (major), Substance abuse (minor-average), PTSD (average), and bitterness (extremely major). Be warned and keep yourselves safe. 
> 
> Chapter title from the iconic Beatles song.

Bucky woke up to bright lights blinding him. He thought it was taking a long time for his vision to get accustomed to the light, until he realized that the entire room was white. Steve was sitting next to him on one of the uncomfortable chairs that only existed in hospitals. A TV buzzed quietly with the channel five news. He blinked and watched that awful old lady on the screen. Her shoulder length blonde hair and creasing makeup made him cringe. Steve saw he was up and hugged him tightly. 

"Thank God you're awake. I thought you were gonna die. I don't want you to die Bucky. Do you need me to get you anything? Water? Pillows? Blankets? Food? Actually I don't know if you can eat yet. I'll ask the doctors if you can eat and I'll get you whatever you want. Do you need anything?" Steve babbled on. 

"I need that lady off the screen. I don't care what you replace her with, Metapod is better than she is." Bucky's voice was raspy and rough. Steve laughed and changed the channel. He pushed a green button and helped him get comfortable. 

"Rosie's out in the waiting room with Natasha, Clint, and Laura. She said you wouldn't want her to see what was wrong so she volunteered to sit out." Steve managed to calm down a little, "Oh and they took out a couple piercings. They didn't want them to get in the way of the treatments. So now you can't chew on your damn lip ring."

"So what have I missed?" Bucky asked wincing a little and he sat up a little more. Steve helped tilt the bed up. 

"We'll you missed a whole day of drama. One of the Kardashians was accussed of plastic surgery, a pop star was seen with another pop star which means they're obviously dating, a rapper got caught smoking weed, another rapper got caught smoking crack, another rapper got arrested, and Johnny Depp hasn't won an Oscar yet." Steve explained. 

"Damn, missed out." He chuckled, "But in all seriousness, what's up with me."

"They think you'll be okay. You've been in and out of consciousness but you've never really been awake. They're giving you activated charcoal and they want to keep you on an IV until you're back at the top. But they do think that you should sign into the psyc ward." He told him. 

"Fan-fucking-tastic. More damn therapists telling me what to do and say and think." Bucky sneered. 

"Bucky I agree with the doctors. You can't keep it all balled up. You should really talk to someone." Steve insisted. Bucky rolled his eyes, "What do you have against therapists anyway?" 

"I've gone to three. First one told me I was just confusing my gender and sexuality and that I was just a girl who didn't know it. Second one said that I was too private. It would solve all my problems if I just told her what happened. Then she blamed it on my nutrition. Third one claimed that it didn't even happen and I was just traumatized by my parents that I created fake stories to cope with it." Bucky snapped. He hated shrinks. All they did was pretend that your problems weren't real and it was something else entirely. It wasn't helpful. It wasn't insightful. It wasn't a weight off his damn shoulders. It was frustrating. It was uncomfortable. It was trapping. Everyone said it was a way for them to finally be okay to talk to someone, but it just made him want to sew his mouth shut. 

Steve sighed and went out to bring everyone back in. Rosie smiled and waved. She had gotten a full makeover done while he was out. Her hair was neatly French braided into pigtails down her back and she had a face full of makeup. Her nails were painted pink with little polkadots. Laura was bigger, she looked actually pregnant. Natasha had her hair straightened instead of loosely curled. And Clint wore a slightly different shade of purple. They carried a balloon with them along with a carefully wrapped package and a card. 

Bucky grinned and waved his little girl over. He moved over so she could sit next to him on the hospital bed. He made sure not to tangle her in the tubes and wires extending from his body. After everyone got settled a nurse knocked on the door before walking in. 

"I'm sorry it took a while, but it was a low priority alert and we were all busy." She explained with a smile. 

"Sharon?" Steve asked. 

"Steve?" They glanced at each other, "What are you doing here?" 

"I'm making sure my boyfriend isn't dying. I'd ask the same but it's an obvious answer." He seemed baffled. 

"You dumped me for him?" She sounded offended. 

"I'm still here. I can hear the conversation." Bucky said. He was ignored. 

"No. I dumped you because I didn't have feelings for you anymore. And to be frank, you were kind of a bitch." Steve told her. 

"And you have feelings for this suicidal punk rock dirt bag?" She accused. 

"Again, I'm sitting right here." Bucky repeated himself, "And for future reference, don't insult someone you know is suicidal. In fact, don't insult anyone."

"I do. He's a lot better than you were. And I also dated your cousin." Steve told her. 

"Yay. I'm better than a lady my boyfriend said was a bitch. I feel accomplished." Bucky cheered for himself. 

"How dare you go for Peggy."

"Just go tell someone important that he's awake." Steve insisted.

"Yes. I am awake. And also conscious. Which means I can hear this entire conversation you are having about me while I'm awake, and conscious, and hearing the entire conversation." Bucky said. He was still ignored. Sharon scoffed and stormed out of the room. Steve groaned and slumped down in a chair. 

"Sorry, Bucky. They have a bit of a history." Natasha said. 

"Oh, was that what that was? I thought it was friendly conversation. Now that I think of it, I've met a lot of his exes lately." He said. 

"What?"

"I bumped Jaden." He shrugged. Clint asked where, "At a coffee shop we went to after we - know what, nevermind." 

He trailed off after remembering that he had a nine year old sitting next to him. No way in hell was he telling her about the flirting and kissing that was basically softcore porn after a meet the parents at a graveyard. 

"What did you do, Papa?" Rosie asked. 

"Nothing you need to know about until you're thirty." He told her. 

"Papa, you're not even thirty yet." She tilted her head. 

"Not the point, sweetheart." He pet the back of her head, "Did Nat do your makeup?" 

Rosie shook her head and pointed to Clint. Apparently he used to be a makeup artist, and a bowling alley manager, and a bartender, and a cop, and a soap opera actor, and a horseback riding teacher. Now he's an archer capable of going to the Olympics. He said he didn't want to go because he didn't care about it, and he wanted to take care of his wife and baby girl. He had invited his friend Peter a while ago and he had done her hair. Laura painted her nails. Everyone smiled and they handed him the card and gift. He picked up the card, reading everyone's messages. 

_Don't worry, Bucky. Recovery isn't that bad. I know, I've experienced it. Sending you our love. - Bruce, Jennifer, and Hulk_

_ur a horrible person and I hate u. JK! You're the baddest of bamf <3 ya, Tony Stark_

_Wish I could visit you, though we've never officially met. This doesn't nearly make up for it, but I hope it helps a little :) -Jarvis_

_We're all rooting for you. Don't give up because you stumbled. Keep going because you have friends to help you out. -Sam_

_You're not allowed to die. I gave you Steve. You're not giving him back. - Margaret Elizabeth "Peggy" Carter_

_HOW DARE YOU! YOU CANT DO THAT TO ME! NOT AFTER ALL OF THE TIMES I HELPED YOU OUT! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF! WHAT WOULD I DO ABOUT ROSIE?! WHAT WOULD I DO ABOUT ME! THINK BEFORE YOU DO SOMETHING SO DUMB AGAIN, YOU ASS! FROM YOUR VERY ANGRY HUSBAND, DICK._

Bucky smiled at all of their names. Each one so violently true to their personalities. Bruce had small, stiff lettering, Tony looked like he was signing an autograph, Sam with sloppy cursive, Peggy had neat and precise handwriting, and Dick probably murdered a small animal and wrote with its blood because he was so mad. He unwrapped the present to find a little blue box shaped like a heart and had a glowing rose painted on the top. Rosie told him to wind it up before he opened it. He twisted the little silver handle on the back and lifted the lid, inside of which was a little mirror. The room filled with a gently twinkling to the tune of Tale as Old as Time.

There was a compartment full of little figurines from the movie and a miniature sculpture of Belle and the Beast spinning as if they danced to the music. Mrs. Potts was painted beside the mirror behind them. Bucky could feel his eyes starting to water and he pulled her in closer. He kissed the top of her head and listened to it play. He never understood why people never wanted to have kids. Granted, Rosie was technically his daughter, he felt like he had more right to call her his kid than her actual father did. Rosie picked up the little figurines and assigned them to someone in Bucky's life. 

"Steve is Belle because everyone thinks he's really weird, but he's actually not and he lives him. You're the Beast because you get really angry in the mornings and he's really sad because people weren't nice to him when he was a kid. Dick is Mrs. Potts and I'm Chip. Clint is Lumiere are Laura his duster girlfriend. Natasha is that crazy closet lady that helps Belle get dressed." She explained. He giggled every now and again and Clint was prompted to dip Laura and "seduce" Her with a French accent. She ended up laughing and Steve had a big grin on his face. Bucky motioned for him to sit with them and made some room on his other side. He let his head lean against his shoulder. 

It was moments like these that made him want to stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first two therapists Bucky went to were actually based on one's that I went to. And those are things I have actually been told by said therapists (not the trauma one). Meaning I have about the same view as Bucky.


	20. Bucky's Song

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song title from the Blink 182 song called Adam's song. I'm not even gonna link to it, because it's just a big ball of depressing.
> 
> Also, disclaimer. I have never been admitted to a mental health facility, so any inaccuracies please excuse.

Steve and Bucky sat in silence. Rosie was being taken care of, they were alone. The TV was on mute, playing Cartoon Network with the subtitles on. The only sound in the room was the low hum of medical equipment and the ticking of the clock on the wall. The room was white, devoid of color except for the gifts, which sat on the shadowed counter by the sink. Bucky's arm itched from the IV buried in his vein. The sheets were stiff like paper and barely warm. It was devoid of stimulation. 

They had forced Bucky to meet with a therapist. He wasn't as bad as the rest. He still didn't help. The wood of the chair creaked as Steve curled up into a ball. His eyes were red and he was biting his lip so hard it was turning white. 

"Steve? Are you okay?" Bucky asked quietly. 

"No. I am not okay. I want you to be okay, and I know that's probably hard. I'll help in any way that I can, but I don't know how. But there are people than can help. I know that you're against the idea, but I think you need to get admitted. I asked about it and they have special therapists for LGBT patients and some for trauma. I even went and visited a while while you were still asleep. It seems pretty boring, but not unpleasant. Honestly, if you don't sign in yourself, I'll do it for you." Steve told him. He seemed set on the idea.

"Why? I'm fine, I-"

"Don't you dare tell me you're fine. You are far from fine. I only have a general idea of what happened to you and I can't imagine what it must be like in your head." Steve said, "We need to fix it. Please, Bucky." He begged. 

"Fine." He snapped, "I'll go to the stupid psych ward. Does that make you feel better?"

"Much."

~*~

He signed the papers and was escorted to a little room were he was told to sit and wait for the psychiatrist. Steve wasn't allowed to come with. When he was called back, he followed a nice looking old man. He looked so small and frail, but he walked with such an air of confidence that it was easy to ignore. The room was larger than most rooms he's been taken into and forced to talk about his feelings. The walls were a muted green with wooden paneled wainscoting. The carpet looked soft and clean. A desk was positioned against one wall with a lamp on one side. A big, dark red, leather armchair was placed opposite with a matching loveseat put on the other wall. A tall fake plant stood next to it in the corner with a table in front of it. Back and white photos of dirty railways and children blowing dandelions were put around the room. On his desk was a little plant with white flowers, real this time, Bucky smiled at that. This room felt warm and comforting. Much less clinical than other places, despite the fountains, and aromatherapy, and nature sounds they had always played.

The psychiatrist situated himself on an office chair by his desk and put his Macbook on his lap. He smiled at Bucky and asked him some questions about his general heath. He briefly explained his medical history, but he spared few details.

"So your papers say you admitted yourself because of a suicide attempt. Care to tell me why?" He asked. He didn't seem malicious, just curious.

"Flashbacks." Was his curt answer.

"What to?" He asked.

"Pierce. He adopted me when my parents died. Wasn't exactly the nicest guy." He shrugged. The doctor asked why, "He was abusive. If that word even begins to explain it." 

"That seems like a slight exaggeration to me. Of course, you never know with some cases. Do you mind telling me why you think he was abusive?" He pushed his glasses up his nose.

"I don't think, I know. I had to get tattoos just to cover up the scars so I couldn't see them. I still have almost my whole back to do. My left side got the most damage because he was right handed and I'm left handed. He'd attack from my left, and I blocked with my left." He quickly explained, "We're moving on. If I talk about it much more I swear to God I'll vomit."

"Of course. Are you taking any medications currently?" He asked with a smile. His voice was kind.

"Zoloft, Prazosin, Abilify and I usually take a multivitamin because I don't eat very well. I know I should, but I don't. If I don't get a lot of sun for a while I'll take vitamin D. Don't know if that's medication or not, figured I'd mention it." Bucky rubbed his stomach to keep himself from getting sick. The charcoal was still making him a little nauseous and that normally helped it.

"Well you seem to be pretty physically healthy, but I take it you have some PTSD." The doctor eyed him knowingly. Bucky laughed.

"I'm built out of PTSD. I'm still paranoid that he put a microphone or something in me to listen to my conversations and track me. Once it got so bad that I thought I saw a lump in my arm and ended up scratching myself so badly I ended up in the hospital. So now I keep my nails as short as I can, and I don't keep steel wool in the house anymore." He felt a shiver go down his spine as he remembered trying to wash the blood from under his fingernails. 

"Have you thought about upping the dosage at all?" The doctor asked, "That could help."

"I'm at max dosage for all three. And that's the best set of meds we've tried out." Bucky told him. 

Eventually, it was sorted out and Bucky was taken to a room where he had to give a nurse all of his string-like objects. Shoelaces, floss, the drawstring on his hoodie. He was asked to take out his facial piercings, bu he could leave in his ears. He was guided through the halls of the facility until he was showed into his room. His roommate was a 30 year old man who introduced himself as Ned and pointed to a drawer in the nightstand, saying it was earplugs because he snored. He had a blue bracelet with a red circle sticker on. The nurse gave him a few papers stapled together that detailed a schedule and a set of rules. She put a green hospital bracelet on his wrist and put a silver, holographic heart sticker on it. She explained that green meant he went to the trauma therapy sessions and his sticker was for his subgroup, if he ever needed a friend then he should find people with a matching sticker. 

"Let me know if you've got any triggers. I've been with a few trauma patients and they usually have some triggers I need to avoid." Ned told him.

"Balloons popping, and getting pinned down by my wrists. Beyond that, just be a decent human." He put his bag down at the foot of the bed and sat down.

"What happened, if you don't mind my asking. to get the green band, I mean."

"Abuse." He gave a short answer. He didn't want to go more in depth.

"You sign yourself in?" He asked.

"Technically. My boyfriend made me, but beyond that-" He trailed off, "You're cool with a gay guy rooming with you, right?"

"Of course. That's what your sticker means by the way. LGBT. Don't worry about people knowing though, very few people without a silver sticker know what it means." He seemed so chill. What could this guy possibly be in for, "Blue means suicidal. In case you were wondering. The only difference between blue and green is if you've had a traumatic experience. If the answer is yes, the suicidal side is ignored because there's so much crossover."

"That's why I'm not blue, then." Bucky sighed. He coughed into his hand and pushed down hard on his stomach.

"OD. Gave you charcoal. I know because I've done it." He said. A quiet bell sounded and Ned explained it was a group therapy session. He showed Bucky where to go and where to meet up. Today was apparently art therapy. The nurse standing up front made Bucky introduce himself and then let him sit next to a girl named Trina who was a veteran and was missing an arm from the elbow down. They were each given a Styrofoam head and told to paint what was happening in their own heads on the foam ones. Bucky wasn't a painter. He was a photographer. he picked up a cheesy paintbrush and dipped it into some cheap paint. 

He decided to draw the first thing that came to mind, which was Sarah. He started painting her shaggy fur and scraggly tail on the forehead. He put Steve next to her, just a stick figure, but he still gave it Steve's messy blond hair and bright blue eyes. Even a little blue hat. He painted Rosie with her newly pink hair and fluffy tutu. Dick held her hand next to her. He painted a sun with a happy face, just like he did when he was a kid. But in the back of his mind he knew that Pierce was there, so he put him there, at the nape of the neck. He put Brock next to him with a knife and a black could over top the pair. It was never big enough, so he ended up circling the cloud around the entire neck, making it seem choked. He didn't mean to, it just happened. He washed off his brush and painted his sister with shaking hands. He hadn't seen her since the adoption, but he still remembered what she looked like. He painted his Mom and Dad with little halos looking over the entire scene. He gave them some green grass to stand on and some happy looking flowers.At the bottom he put fire and X's and the word _No_ all over beneath his cloud. He looked at Trina's work and saw an explosion of color so bright it was disorienting. Another boy had colored pain dripping from each would-be opening. Eyes, ears, mouth, nose all bleed with color. 

Before he knew it, time was up. It was time for dinner. Bland food greeted him in the cafeteria. a group of people with mostly blue bracelets and a peppering of green and purple saw the matching heart sticker on his wrist and invited him over to eat with them. He was welcomed immediately into the group and they discussed the probability that Courtney Love killed Kurt Cobain. And this was his life for the next week and a half. He would call Steve every day after the woman with OCD called her grand daughter. It was mostly meaningless conversations. Clint and Laura had taken Rosie under their wing and were only that much more excited about their baby.


End file.
